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..../                /_/..\______/./_____/./__/.../__/./_______/ MUD
.../________________/       running on 9999
VOLUME TWO, ISSUE THIRTY-EIGHT                         December 9, 1995


                       ...:/:[ CONTENTS ]:\:...
                            *CODE UPDATES*
                            -Ancient India-

                            -Sadist Retires-
                              -A Contest-
                               -A Party-
                           -Fund Drive Update-

                            *SOCIAL EVENTS*
                      -Dusty's Response to Limerick-
                           -The Tale of Tad-
                  -A Visit from the Prince of Darkness-
Please send your responses to articles to the Legendary Times address
at [email protected] Letters to the editor are welcomed.

                           CODE UPDATES

 * Fixes to vehicles and boats include the following:
   - The "forging through the waters" message has been limited to changes 
     in terrain (so you won't see it everywhere you sail your boats)
   - Sitting on furniture no longer reminds you that you have a boat.
   - You can no longer give boats to people who already have one.   
 * Mounts can't be ridden in noswim rooms.
 * Messages for blocked hits were improved -- it should no longer look 
   like you are not getting a turn to hit in some rounds.
 * The earthquake spell can now be targeted.
 * You can no longer remove items while fighting.
 * The room now gets a message when an elemental is summoned.

                     ANCIENT INDIA ARRIVES
Ancient India is now in!! Temporally located around 600 BC, it emcompasses 
the end of the scholastic/brahmanic period. At that period (as in many 
centuries to come), India was divided into various small poltical 
"states" rather than being the single entity we know from the 
post-British Empire period (however, it's hard to know too much about the 
political make up of India at this time since the Indians didn't believe 
in recording history until 800 AD). Located spatially just off the Red 
Sea, the area includes the villages of Nadia and Patiliputra, and the 
city of Bhimbhetka, as well as Ceylon, an island off the Indian Peninsula. 
As Rufus, the creator, notes, there are many, many quests here (BTW, be sure 
to congratulate Rufus on his promotion to IMM!).
                        SADIST RETIRES

As many of you already know, Sadist, one of the four implemters on Legend, 
has chosen to retire his character. For the last several months, Sadist 
has been very busy at Origin, and thus hasn't had the time and energy to 
work on Legend. However, Sadist's contributions to Legend are tremendous. 
He wrote the majority of Legend's code, which includes (but is not 
limited to), the acts system and the socket routines that allow different 
systems to run Legend. Everything that's been done (or will be done) 
since, areas, procedures, and so forth, is based on the foundation that 
Sadist made for Legend.
                     CHARACTER ARCHIVING

Those of you who will be absent from the net over the holidays should 
contact one of the IMPS's if you'd like your inactive character(s) 
archived. Since we do have the occasional player wipe, it's a good 
thing to do.

                        A CONTEST!!

Attention all Pkill clans!

Charity is sponsoring a contest to determine which clan will be invited 
to test the new arena, when her area is ready to be tested (which ought 
to be right after the new year).

Contest entries will be a recruitment ad for your clan posted on the war 
room board and clearly marked so that we know that it is your contest 
entry. Only one entry per clan is allowed, so feel free to have all your 
clan members help compose it, or choose a PR representative, or saddle 
your GM with the job. Judging will be done by as many gods as Charity can 
get to agree to do it, and the criteria will be the total impact of the 
recruitment ad -- persuasiveness, propaganda, humor, suitability to your 
clan's particular theme, and (theoretical) effectiveness. The deadline 
for entries is January 1.

Although RP clans cannot, for obvious reasons, test a pkill arena, the rp 
clans are invited to participate as well, and will be judged separately 
from the pk clans. The prize will be a new treat, specially made for the 

                            A PARTY

Ptah and Kaige are hosting a Christmas party at their home in Austin, 
Texas on the evening of December 15. They invite mudders to mingle with 
game designers. BYOB, and RSVP please, please, please to [email protected] 
and BYO instrument if you play one, and BYO Playstation Game. Kaige adds 
that you should BYOHT (Bring Your Own Hand Towel for the dog slobber..).

                       FUND DRIVE UPDATE 

It turns out that RAM prices were more expensive than we expected them to
be. Between that and the site fees for the first six months, plus what we
already owed Sadist, we still lack about $325. Yes, we are now open on the 
new site, but we do still need pledges and donations :) (Many thanks to 
the players who have already made a sizable dent in our "debt"!!!)

We suggest that those who have the money burning a hole in their pocket 
go ahead and send the checks directly to the following address and we 
will get the letters out to them as soon as we can, perhaps even crossing 
in the mail. 

This is the address to send donations to: 

           (make checks payable to Raphael and Kristen Koster)

                     Raph and Kristen Koster
                     12603 Rhea Ct. 
                     Austin, TX 78727

If you are an overseas donor who cannot write a check in US Dollars,
please email them at [email protected] 

            /                        \
        o O | Wonder what folks are   |
  `\|||/    | doing over at LegendMud?|
   (o o)    \________________________/

                    Legendary Rumors......

Mercenary returned from his travels long enough to announce that even 
though he considers his grievances with the Knights to have been paid 
with their blood, they still are not welcome in Klein, "his" 
city...Kretch and Malorn have been warring pretty heavily lately...when 
Mitra interrupted one of their fights to protest what she felt to be 
improper pk tactics and attacked Kretch, Kretch's good friend Magda 
rewarded her interference with death..Kretch has also been fighting with 
Sharpe (apparently their last fight resulted in the junking of Sharpe's 
dagger...they've also carried out a fierce war of words on the War Room 
Board...Sharpe has also been at war with members of the Grendel 
Clan...which in turn has been in skirmishes with Howard (the latest 
ending in Howard's death..)..Cassandra has been at it with members of the 
Anti-Paladins (who, after a very long absence, seem to be back 
in force)...Dusty is back and spouting off verse (see below)...Cleo and 
Terror are postponing their wedding due to RL net access problems that 
Cleo will be having..and Sandra recently accepted Killer's proposal of 

The challenge issued by Limerick in the last issue of the Legendary Times was
taken up by Dusty, the frequently absent fox-tailed flautist. She showed up
quite late one night to duel, and a lively time was had by all...

It is little known that the confrontation of two poets upon the battlefield
consists of well-established formalized stages. Usually a challenge is issued
in print, followed by a public volley of acceptance--both of these are
prepared in advance. The defending poet then answers the challenge and the two
combatants go through the dance of recognition, a sort of testing of the
waters. Finally the challenger issues a response to the volley, and then the
poets settle down to a give and take of improvised verse until one can go no

A warning to the faint of heart: some of the following limericks deal with
excretion, sex, and other topics traditional in the form but not acceptable in
polite company.

Dusty's initial volley, in response to the challenge issued by Limerick,
naturally addressed the line about her underwear being crusty...

                         Let it be known that the gauntlet was taken--
                         The challenge shall not be forsaken--
                         The limericks are coming!
                         (Not the person, who's slumming--
                         His verse isn't quite half done baking.)

                         A limerick contest was started
                         By those who believed themselves artists
                         But their verse was a bomb
                         Delivered sans aplomb
                         And only last place was awarded.
                         A child was dropped on his head once
                         He became a purveyor of bad rhymed puns
                         There was nothing to do
                         Amidst the cry and the hue
                         So they called him Limerick, the poor dunce.

                         There once was this Limerick fellow
                         Who thought Dusty's undies were yellow.
                         Not that he peeked--
                         Or even sniffed the reek--
                         Just that he had a fixation on Jell-O.
                         Jell-O the marvelous goo stuff
                         Fills skulls that have not brains 'nuff.
                         Take Limerick's spew
                         (Grape-apple? Eeeewwww!)
                         The equivalent of poetic dandruff.

Then the limericks turned towards the dirty!

                         Some men see themselves as satyrs--
                         Insatiable, sexy, bed-baiters.
                         Let's talk about grooming--
                         Hairy legs and horns looming
                         Won't make the satyr be able to sate her.
                         This girl thought herself a vixen
                         And dined upon men with the fixin's
                         But all the red dresses
                         Got stained with the messes
                         When she failed to get all of her licks in.

                         Bad verse tends to the salacious;
                         Bodily functions amaze us.
                         Public mitosis
                         and bad halitosis
                         And limericks tend not to be gracious.
                         Forgive the judges their sad state--
                         They drool, these incontinent once-greats.
                         But Limerick's bad rhymes
                         Quite zapped their minds
                         and left them as idiotic blank slates.

                         Some claim that Dusty was banished
                         Her last poems forged, her pen vanished
                         But reports of her death
                         Were hoaxed by the best
                         By the would-bes among the satire-fannish.
                         The last limerick has been spoken--
                         Quick, before English gets broken.
                         They're flash and no substance
                         Romance with no love dance
                         A poem with fire no one put smoke in.

Then Dusty closed her volley with the formal return challenge:

"Good luck to Limerick, is he shows his nose. He might have a rhyme stuck up it
somewheres. Let's hope he blows it really hard."

"Then again, he blows hard all the time..."

"If he comes up with any good ones, let me know--I might have another five
minutes to spare to come up with another dozen or so."

"Moneys sent to my fan club WILL reach me :-) Bombs sent to my hate club are
forwarded to Magda for taste-tests. Not that they would change her appearance
much :-P"

Then Limerick arrived on the scene to answer the challenge.

"Rumor has it that... oh, great."

Dusty replied with:

                         The limerick's the lowest form of verse
                         As humor, only bad puns rank worse.
                         But we're not at the nadir--
                         Nobody gets PAID here
                         For literarily analyzaling our ums and ers.

Then another stage in the formal bard challenge: the dance of recognition.

Dusty: Can it be?
Limerick: is it she?
Limerick: Is it Dusty the not so busty?
Dusty: Is it he who hee-hees?
Limerick: si!
Dusty: Whee!
Limerick: I have a few of my own, if you will allow me
Limerick: only four, though
Dusty: whee, the wee he (we who hee-hee know where he's wee, you see)
has verse to converse and disburse, for the worse...

And so Limerick began his formal response to Dusty's volley.

                         So Dusty accepted my quest
                         And offered us some of her best
                         But Lim is still here
                         So tremble in fear
                         While i have my turn at jest

                         Perhaps, oh Dusty, you child
                         You think my poems quite mild
                         As dirty as yours?
                         About buxom whores?
                         Well now, let's start to run wild!

                         Ah, Dusty the wannabe writer
                         Who is a satirical fighter
                         But in london she stands
                         Meeting demands
                         Of sailors who just want to bite her

"I have one more that's a little dirtier... no cuss words, though," he

                         In Tara, she accompanies Fath-Fith
                         A man she feels comfortable with
                         For he is all sleaze
                         And easy to please
                         When they unite the organs they piss with

With that, Limerick bade all farewell with a hearty "GOOD NIGHT
EVERYBODY..." followed by a cringe. But Dusty would not let him off so

                         Limerick speaks wisely of bawdies
                         And of matters politeness calls tawdry
                         Perhaps self-analysis
                         Led to paralysis
                         When it came to dealing with female bodies?

"Uh-oh..." Limerick said.
"EEP..." shouted Lirra. "It's Dusty... RUN AND HIDE everybody!"

                         Poor fellow uses verse as a crutch
                         For seduction and loving and such
                         But a pen is too weak
                         And leads him to weep--
                         It just isn't meant for holding up such!

"Not to mention it's darn uncomfy when he scribbles on the poor lass's
thigh," she added parenthetically.

"Ooh!!!  dem's fightin' words!" exclaimed Limerick.

                         Yes, Dusty, your Undies are foul
                         I thought you were a nice gal
                         But I saw your skid marks
                         As loud as a lark
                         You're soiled by movements of bowel

But Dusty wasn't going to let him get away with such an awkward effort,
and jumped in with some impromptu literary criticism.

                         Cry foul on foul and gal, fool!
                         Perhaps if gal were gaol, you'll
                         Get past the judges--
                         As it is you fudge it--
                         Rhyme right or head home to your cesspool.

Limerick changed the subject:

                         Now as we reach this new junction
                         Dusty has quite some good unction
                         Her promiscuous ends
                         As she backwards bends
                         Show her affinity for bodily functions

                         Dusty is just a bit surly
                         And I see her armpits are curly
                         She's big and buff
                         And if that's not enough
                         She's also quite large and burly

Exhausted, Limerick sighed, "Boy, i think i ran out..." but Rusalka
helpfully reminded him, "Don't forget her incredible hair style."
"Ooh!" Limerick said, a gleam in his eyes. "Her hairstyle :)"

                         Fair is foul, foul is fair
                         Dusty has some horrible hair
                         To see a lass
                         With a furrier a--
                         Is indeed so very rare

But Dusty wasn't going to just sit and take it, although her reply
perhaps incriminated her somewhat...

                         Some folks attack my hairstyle's mess
                         Because it ain't nice and arranged with a dress
                         But men know that rumpled
                         Means a girl who once tumbled
                         And decided thereafter to rest.

                         Limerick decries my wild head of hair
                         And makes up what's not really there
                         He flees--whatta tease
                         And crotch-scratches the fleas
                         Which infest the bare spot where he bears no hair!

Limerick at this point was silent. Whether or not Dusty had actually won the
victory at this point, she claimed it, with the traditional closing verses
graciously (well... it WAS Dusty) forgiving the loser for daring to aim so
high and encouraging him in his future poetical pursuits.

                         It's two-forty-six in the morn
                         And Limerick's blowing his horn
                         But I have a job
                         So I'll be a snob
                         And let him blow solo as is his norm.

                         That pants bulge don't mean he's inbred!
                         Lim challenged to verse this bardette,
                         But kicking his butt
                         Entailed slight smut
                         Which I fear went to his SMALL head.

(Well, that IS as gracious as Dusty gets, anyway...)

Stay tuned, we're sure to hear more of this...

                         THE TALE OF TAD

Lesse... I were bornded in a little village norfeast of Tara... aroun on
the far side of the moors.  I liveded ther wif Mama.  I don 'member much
from when I were itty bitty, but I 'members when Mama tookded me to see
the Sidhe!  Well, accaly, she wented to see one of them I tinks, an jus
tookded me 'long.  But I gotted to go see them dance! I waited by the Well
of Moonlight an watchded them dance while Mama wented 'way wif one of
them.  They brungded me food cuz Mama was gone for longtime.  She cameded
back affer a while, tho, an we wented home.  Affer tha, couple of months,
Mama started gettin round in the tummy.  At firs she were jus a little
round, an she maded a nice pillo.  Then she gotted REAL round... her belly
started to get big.  Thas when the villagers chasded us 'way.  I don
unnerstan how comes they wanded to kill Mama jus cuz she were round... 
But they camed affer us.  Mama gaved me a knife an tolded me to run, an I
runnded an runnded, but Mama couldnae run fast 'nuff.  They caughted
her... an... they killded her.  I jus kepted runnin an runnin... i didn
know wha else to do.  I runned all the way back to wher the pretty Sidhe
was.  I stayded there at the Well an crieded an crieded till I couldnae
cry no more.  I were hoping the Sidhe woulds brin me more food cuz I were
hongry, but they didn.  Affer a while, i wented to Tara, an Tika fedded me.

I runnded 'roun tara for a while.  I learneded to fight, cuz I didnae hae
Mama no more to feed me an keep me safe.  I learnded how to hit peoples
wif me head... an 'cided tha I woulds go back an hit e'erone in me village
wif me head an kill them all cuz they killded Mama.  But I didn yet, cuz I
didn think I coulds.  While I were living in Tara, I metted Kendrik.  He's
me Da'... was me Da'... but he weren't me Da' yet then.  He were marrieded
to Lark.  I ne'er metted her much, tho.  Kendrik helpded me out sometimes,
an I brungded him roses, cuz he liked to give them to Lark.  But then one
day I seeded Kendrik, an He were all coverded wif blood... an Lark saided
she didn like him no more.  I talkded to him, an he saided tha he were
reincarcerated.  I still don unnerstan tha part, tho.  But affer this, he
axed me ifn I wanded to be part of his Clan... ifn he coulds 'dopt me.  I
hadn ne'er hadded a Da' 'for, an didn e'en hae Mama no more, so I saided
yes.  Thas when I 'camed a MacLaren.  Then I metted Da's brother an
sister, Uncle Darby an Aunti Star.  I were happy cuz I hadded Famly 'gain!
 I learned more an more stuffs, but thas boring so I won talk 'bout it. 
But then Da' dieded... I ne'er did unnerstan the whole thing... He killded
someone, an someone killded him... an someone else killded him... an a
captain killded him... an he were no more.  Somebody were yellin 'bout us
not touching Da's stuffs... but I collected them all anyhow... an tookded
them an Da's body to the monlith, south of Tara.  I duggded a grave, an
buried me Da'.  I jus hope Mama's takin good care of him now.

Affer Da' dieded, Aunti Star 'cameded temporary Thane of clan MacLaren,
jus 'till we coulds figger out wha we wanded to do.  We hadded to pick a
new thane... Aunti Star saided I coulds be the thane ifn I wanded to, but
Darby saided I were too little, tha I needed a regent.  I tink Aunti Star
thotted he were prolly right.  But Aunti Star an Darby couldnae 'cide
which of them shoulds be the new thane... I means regent.  They saided it
were my decision.  I thotted longtime 'bout it... an couldnae figger out
wha to do, till I talkded wif Stephen.  He suggested tha I give make them
bof something!  I 'cided tha I wannded Darby to be me Lord Protestant, an
tha I wannded Aunti Star to be me regent.  It were Darby's job to keep us
all safe, an Aunti Star's job to do whae'er a thane's sposded to do (I
han't quite figgerd out yet wha a Thane does).  So I talkded to Darby, an
axed him to be me Lord Protestant, an gaved him me Da's club, sos he
coulds protect us all.  I saveded me Da's circlet for Aunti Star, an his
kilt for meself.  Howe'er, seems Darby thotted I wanded him to be regent,
tha it were same thing as Lord Protestant.  He talkded to Aunti Star, an
she gotted upset cuz she weren't there when I maded Darby regent.  'Cept I
didn make Darby regent, i maded him Lord Protestant.  So I wented an
talkded to Darby an splainded it all to him, an he wented an talkded to
Aunti Star an splainded it all to her.  So e'erone were happy 'gain.

Oh! I fergotted 'bout Jondy!  Jondy isn a MacLaren... least not yet.  He
an Aunti Star is gonna get marrieded.  When he an Aunti Star 'cided they
wanded to get married, we all gotted to send Jondy on a quest to make sure
he were good 'nuff to marry Aunti Star!  Da' saided he hadded to fin 3
roses for her... one red, one black, an one green.  He founded the red an
black ones, but looked an looked an lookeded for the green one.  Jus
recenterly he finly founded the last one.  Now he an Aunti Star cans get
marrieded!  But they han't tolded us when, yet.  Affer they gets
marrieded, tho, Aunti Star's gonna 'dopt me! I hae a Famly, but I's will
hae a Mama 'gain.  I hopes they gets marrieded soon...

Thas not me whole story... theres loss more to it, I jus han't seeded wha
the rest is yet, an I don know how is goin to end.

Dusty's limerick's about well...limerick arn't the only verse that she's 
been spouting lately..this recently scrolled by the editor's screen:

Hide your underwear, everyone... from Magda of the long nose!

It's practically prehensile, mobile and quasi-mental
It's Magda's the amazing sniffing nose!
It slides and squeezes, sniffily wheezes,
Magda's inquisitive nose!

And at night the children think
That mosnters lurk and evilly wink
But it's only nostrils in that dark, with snotty glows!

Beware, beware, the nosy hairs, the quivering stretching stare!
Flee, be free, before she sniffs too close of thee and me,
it's Magda and her
     trained and dancing
          waxed and prancing
               wavy long
                    and ALWAYS wrong

                         AN INVITATION

                   Gerry Cowan, Druid of Lohr
                   Mitra Ajami, Hermetic Mage
      are pleased to announce the joining of their houses.
               We invite you to share our joy
               on December 12, at 7 pm (PST).
  The ceremony will conducted by Petal, the High Priestess of Daisy
               Atop a Mountain Peak, in India.
      May the Blessings of the Goddess go out to each of you.

                        A HARKON UPDATE

(As observant LT readers will remember, Harkon, in his life story, 
recently claimed to be a former demon who had been thrown out of Hell for 
the infernal sin of falling in love...) 

Ptah's peaceful if spammy conference with newbies in the OOC one night was
suddenly interrupted by the following:

[Chat] Satan, Lord of Evil, Prince of Lies, Master of Darkness: Let all scorn
Harkon, my faithless, lovelorn Bard whom I once punished with mortality, for he
seeks in this puny human form to vanquish me!

Many players expressed their public dismay at the appearance of Satan in
their midst, including Padre Ignatio and Flagg, who was heard to complain 
that he hadn't let Satan out.

Responded Harkon, in firm tones,  "Your reign of tyrany is over, I'm 
here to save mankind from your evil Satan!"

After winning a seeming victory over Satan, Harkon soon discovered that
he was no match for a devil with more dirty tricks and fewer compunctions
than the worst human pkillers. The half-expected, half-dreaded permadeath
message was not heard, however... instead, Satan commented:

[Info] Satan, Lord of Evil, Prince of Lies, Master of Darkness: I choose that
Harkon shall not be permanently dead, for I kicked him out of hell once and
have no desire to see him back. Let him make his way amongst you mortals again,
not that he will fare any better by the repetition!

Somewhat befuddled by the ordeal of death and reincarnation, Harkon
eventually responded with this:

[Info] Harkon: ahh, you are truely a cruel master Satan, to return me to this
accursed earth.  *sigh*
[Info] Harkon: but your slipping dark one, i have regained some of my powers.

... whereupon everyone wished Harkon well in his new life.


In the last issue of the Legendary Times, we reported that the acronym
"LM-EMS" stood for the "Legend Mud Emergency Squad." It's actually the
"Legend Mud Emergency Medical Services." Our thanks to the observant 
reader who caught this error!

 Legendary Times is put out by the gods of LegendMUD. Please send all
 replies/additions to to our address at [email protected] for 
inclusion in the next edition. We, however, reserve the right to moderate 
this discussion, and may object to some submissions. If you feel we have 
wrongly omitted one of your messages, please talk to Rusalka online or 
 through EMail and see if she did indeed receive it in the first place.
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