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  ..../                /_/..\______/./_____/./__/.../__/./_______/ MUD
  .../________________/       running on 9999
VOLUME FOUR, ISSUE TEN                                         April 30, 1997
                               From the Editor                              
                                FROM THE IMPS
                        DEPARTMENTAL NEWS AND UPDATES

                               NEWS AND REPORTS
                                 Opening Night
                                News from Admin
                                Book of Legends
                                 PLAYER FORUM
                       A GoodBye In and Out of Character     
                                 GOSSIP COLUMN
                       What the Bluebird Dropped On My Desk
                               FROM THE WAR ZONE
                               Clanned Classifieds
                             Joining the Red Cross
                                  Peace Talks
                       Domestic Violence Within the Knights

                               LOVE LEGEND STYLE
                             Marriage On the Rocks?
Please send your responses to articles to the Legendary Times address at
[email protected] Letters to the editor and submissions are welcomed.
From the Editor:
Once again, all the reports in this issue are a compilation of several weeks.
I'll probably be moving the LT back to a two-week schedule, or else it will
continue to be slightly irregular for a little while I get things worked out
in my real-life. Anyone who has recently submitted something to the LT, send
me a tell next time you see me on and I'll provide you with a token for
Leila's new game area (as soon as it goes in). I can't, by the way, print
everything every issue. If your article isn't in this issue, it will be in the
next one. I'm giving precedence to the oldest things in my file, and those
that are specifically timely. Next issue should be out very soon :). There's
lots to read, so I won't take up much time in idle chit-chat. On to the good
___                                                                        ___
\  |----------------------------------------------------------------------|  /
/__|                            FROM THE IMPS                             |__\
Imps Weekly Reports:

The Imps, working at a radical pace on the finals stages of Ultima Online,
will have to slow down on Legend work a bit until that's done. Nonetheless, in
the last few weeks Kaige added in the help banners and added new color slots
for them; fixed a horrible bug in acts where it would apply all affects except
blindness correctly; fixed a few typos in socials; improved legibility of stat
object for immortals; fixed the youth spell so it takes 10 years as the
helpfile for it says; cleaned up a bunch of warnings, replacing one as it
messed up the new fight messages; and changed mobs so they no longer pick up
corpses or scavenge them. She also put the newest LT up for ftp, and talked
with a bunch of people about various things. She went back to work full-time
as of the May 21st.
___                                                                        ___
\  |----------------------------------------------------------------------|  /
/__|                   DEPARTMENTAL NEWS AND UPDATES                      |__\
In the recent past, Gail fixed the bug with where sometimes following people
makes you take off all over the mud; fixed the bug whereby if you shot a mob
you weren't fighting, while fighting something else, you didn't get set to
fighting the mob (no, it's not a feature); coded new socials (disagree,
pledge, sacrifice, wish, pounce, cower, punch, tip, twirl); coded a new
'light' command; tweaked moods; fixed some imm commands to make them
easier/safer to use; got ownership of objects like, 60% finished; and was
really bad/late about summaries. Ea has had a hard disk crash, but still
managed to help Tad with tailor. Rufus worked on generic damage routines. Tad
worked on tailor. Ptah worked on tailor design issues and worked on cool new
board stuff. Kaige wrote a new imm command to re-imb spellwords, worked on
tailor design issues, worked on new axiom designs, compiled tons of skilltree
data, fixed lights, added pose as an alias for emote, added banners to
helpfiles, and worked on herbal skills for skilltrees

As a department:  Well, a lot of things happened this week. Rufus announced
that Wraith and Kheldar were to be his new "hands", as he referred to them,
and asked that all building suggestions be routed through them. A new spell
system, based on the elements, was proposed and bandied about. Rufus also
delegated responsibilities of the Building staff, outlining who should be
working on what. Builders are also now required to spend at least 3 hours per
week on the Mud (6 for Full Builders), to familiarize themselves with online
atmosphere, and get a better feel for what the players want to see on Legend.
Our fearless leader did a lot of administration duties this week, as well as
looked at the Innkeeper mobiles. Leila finished the Games Room OOC area, and
is just waiting for the necessary fixes/changes to go into effect. She also
worked on the beginning plot for a new multi-person mystery quest for London.
Kheldar was busy this week fielding questions from both LadyAce and Yours
Truly (Alhazred) about generic building and possible connections, from both
new areas, to Romania. Kheldar did some work on his own area, making some
adjustments to the quests and giving his mobiles more social interaction. As
for myself, I went back and researched my resource material for the Mongol
Invasion, and also wrote as many as half the room descriptions for the area. I
made a list of all the mobiles in the area, and worked out a few objects after
spending some time online getting used to the mud items already in use.

                              PLAYER RELATIONS           

    Everyone please congratulate Leila on her recent promotion to full PR
    immort. She recently completed the upcoming PR area, which has much nifty
    cool stuff inside! Way to go, Leila!!!

Recently in PR strings were strung, registrations done, recall tags run,
explanations given, and so forth and so on. In particular, Particleman
finished putting in the character web pages (players can ask to have us link
to pages for their characters; there are also pages with directions for doing
it and format stuff that can be downloaded), plus answered 50 zillion
questions, and worked on his scavenger hunt. Sandra did web stuffs as well.
Leila ran some games, as well as finishing the PR area (she's also working on
the games area). Not only that, but Leila got a promotion to full PR (woo woo
:). Croaker held his regular trivia competition, worked on an idea for Capture
the Flag, and an RP for Clan Angelsley. Kheldar ran recalltag, and worked on
the upcoming OOC Library, while Petal proposed and started work on a Book of
Legendary Greats for it, as well as working on her rp. Flagg ran the Expie
Award Ceremony on the 23rd, Sabella worked on the LT and rp stuff (as well as
on a nifty new game idea :). Spencer (and Joule) held Q and A. Lirra continues
to work on her RP character development workshop, and Rusalka held a rp
competition (and learned some stuff about what not to do), wrote a piece for
the LT on weddings (she and Sabella have decided not to do ANY that aren't
asked for 24 hours in advance; they encourage everyone else to do the same),
and did a wedding and some admin type things.

As a Department, Admin cleaned up old posts on boards, worked on various
projects, caught a few cheaters, and investigated and discussed bugs. Aermid
helped players with log-in problems, quest problems, retrieving purged
characters, and clannings, as well as talking to a player about an illegal
name and bopping around help files. Baca lost service provider for a week, but
still checked boards and deleted things that hinted at quests, etc. Chocorua
kept up on current affairs, spoke with some fouled mouth individuals, and
discussed admin duties, bugs, and politics with various people. Govan (with
Rufus) dealt with a harassment complaint, caught a multi-player, checked
save_logs and archived people, kept up work on rune project, and keep up with
the Admin summaries. Leila was visible and watched for trouble, as well as
working on her projects. Sandra kept up with description checks, and talked to
a player. Solomon archived some characters, clanned a character, caught a
cheater, investigated bug reports and answered questions. Wraith removed old
posts from war and discussion boards, and watched for cheating, quest info,
and profanity on public channels. Zandy created conferences, investigated a
multi-player claim, and dealt with an eq swap.
___                                                                        ___
\  |----------------------------------------------------------------------|  /
/__|                            NEWS AND REPORTS                          |__\
                                 Opening Night
    Opening night approaches again. Yes, that's right, our very own Bart went
on stage at 7.30 pm Saturday night his time (sometime EARLY Saturday morning
US time), April 26th in a brand new production of Saint-Saens' "Samson et
Dalila" that has been madly in rehearsal for the past 2 months.
    For those of you that came in late, Bart is a resident Young Artist with
Opera Queensland in Brisbane, Australia, and is currently playing the role of
Abimelech (The "baddy" who is killed by Samson in Act 1) in Samson as well as
understudying the role of Colline in La Boheme. All good thoughts and well
wishes would be happily received, so tell him good luck or break a leg (or
whatever they do), if you are one of the few to see him on-line. We're all
sure he'll be utterly brilliant.

                                 Note From Admin
Please when you need an immortal to help you, look to see if any are visible
before praying and asking if any are visible. Also asking on chat and info
when there are visible immorts is a little on the lazy side.
                                 Book of Legends

As part of the refurbishment of the OOC library, I am writing biographies some
legendary characters of old, and would dearly love input from the entire mud
population. If you can think of some legendary characters, who are not
immortalised in the Hall of Legends, but who, in your opinion, deserve a
monument to their efforts and accomplishments could you mudmail Petal with the
name of the character you would like to see included in the book, as well as a
couple of lines expressing why you think that your character should be
immortalised in the Book of Legends.

Suggestions which I find of particular interest will receive a special treat
as a token of my gratitude.
            Get your thinking caps on everyone,
___                                                                        ___
\  |----------------------------------------------------------------------|  /
/__|                              PLAYER FORUM                            |__\
                        A Goodbye In And Out Of Character

Just a little note, I Morwynn the ever OLD Sage, will be leaving Legend
without much choice very soon. I don't think I will return. I had hoped to
have a place to be remembered in the HoL, but I do not think that will be the
case before I leave. As such I am going to be donating any and all of my
equipment, strung or otherwise on the 29th of April at some point when I get
motivated. Yes I know this is a surprise move, most of my equipment is nothing
interesting except for RP value, but I do have at least 1 old style item
left... I wish to thank all the people I have known since my humble beginnings
here so long ago, even to those who Immorted and never returned equipment they
borrowed from me while nothing more than morts. In parting let me say that
Legend has been a second home to me for the two years plus (I think) that I
have been around. I am sorry I must be off to other things, but I hope that in
the least people will remember me as a "Nice Old Lady" instead of a crotchety
mean nasty one...

    Wife of Lysander the Silver Tongued Rogue, Sister to Linda Kurwa, and
    member of the Sages. Any other titles may be added by those who know me                             

            /                        \
        o O | Wonder what folks are   |
  `\|||/    | doing over at LegendMud?|
   (o o)    \________________________/

               What the BlueBird of Happiness Dropped on My Desk!

Our little friend watched avidly as Jen-Creature, Legend's whimsical
raven-haired mage, was officially crowned the Empress of Minutia. However
well-versed the regal figure may be regarding trivial details, geography is
obviously not her strong suit, as she soon asked our singing follower for

Having returned in full force after a mysterious disappearance, our bluebird
notes that Densiva appears to have been affected in strange fashions by his
travels to other lands. For one, he seems greatly confused as to whom he calls
family... He hasn't tried to convert our feathered friend to the Dark Side of
the Force yet, but others can testify that not only do the Chaos Lords seem to
have moved their headquarters to Endor, they also seem to disagree on the
secret identity of Luke Skywalker - or maybe Densiva just has trouble making
up his mind whom his son really is. Our bluebird just wonders what Myriad
might have to add to that...

Our welcoming warbler was pleased to discover, however, that Allah has
lightened up some on Terrizano. The formerly black mage has changed his color,
although he still embraces the dark side of his nature. Yet, dark was still
the word of the day, as the tiny bird warbled an apprehensive aria when she
came across a silent thaumaturge brooding in the darkening night. She
eventually recognized her old friend Quixotic, but is still somewhat nervous
now that the quirky young mage has grown into his quiet power.

Still pondering cries of "Join me or die!", our trusty bird retreated to
peaceful Turtle Island, where it came upon Lemming and Keymistress, arguing
bitterly over their love affair... Well, whether or not they will ever be
married, the affair has been fulfilled; at least Keymistress' waistline hasn't
grown any slimmer lately. Fortunately, our bird is really too young to
understand the exact implications of that, or we would probably have received
pages up and down about the exact goings-on between the romantic young couple
- it seems to have been an interesting night. Matters are complicated
somewhat, by the fact that neither seems to agree on whether Keymistress was
kidnapped by the Cult to protect her from Lemming, or to be given to Lemming,
or by Lemming to be given to the Cult, or by.. Oh, well, it will probably be
revealed in the near future.

The Templars aren't what they claim to be, exclaimed our blue sneak
disappointedly, they use witches for messengers! When Mad Meg, notorious witch
of Ireland, was recently brought to justice, several letters addressed to
Templars were found hidden on her body - one may only wonder what else the
Templars are into, given they use such shady alliances...

More contentedly Legend's little sneak thief managed to gather a lot of crumbs
from Kimberly's cake, during the celebration on April 18th. She hopes the rest
of you will join her in a cheerful rendition of 'Happy Birthday' to Kimberly!

Sheenagh has had a bad run of luck lately, which our bluebird discovered when
she accidentally flew into a series of Scottish insults so innovative they
would have impressed a certain Scotsman - but then, they were directed at that
Scotsman. Shivering nervously, our ever-attentive reporter managed to find the
courage to remain in that company long enough to discover that Sheenagh does
suffer a few cosmetic problems, primarily that of excess bodily hair (she has
been confused with Orang-utan on more than one occasion) and for some reason,
possibly that of recently having wed Katarina, McDougan backed out of his
proposal to her. Crying out her shame and sorrow publicly, Sheenagh begged
for any male attention. Eventually, a shining virgin steel (so it claimed,
anyway) long sword responded. Unfortunately, the two soon disagreed, and
matters did not improve when Justice caught up with selfsame sword...  Our
bluebird, growing cynical in her old age, did not raise a feathery eyebrow
when it was revealed that Justice thought it a bit too much of a challenge to
provide poor Sheenagh with another spouse. The drama continues as a
menage-a-trois between Kae (who has no sword), Sheenagh (who needs one), and
Roland (who has a sword, indeed, but did not appear particularly flattered).
Our bluebird, still wondering what exactly swords have to do with having
children, later presented that question to Roland, but our good knight
remained as modestly quiet as always, having no comment.

Exchanging virgin steel for white lace, our bluebird was relieved to settle on
the shoulder of Kahlil, who danced about merrily, announcing his wedding to
Caitlin. Vastly relieved that at least some people still stick to the good
old-fashioned one man/one woman type of weddings, our bluebird is as of this
moment still unable to obtain an invitation, but does plan to sneak in anyway,
as it has been kept no secret that the ceremony will take place at the
Catholic Church in Romania. When exactly our little spy has not been able to
divine, but as one might say, what else has a bird to do but sit around and
___                                                                        ___
\  |----------------------------------------------------------------------|  /
/__|         FROM THE WAR ZONE: Information From the PK Front             |__\
    Reports on general pkill events (including roleplay events),
    interviews, advertisements, and other information regarding clan
    activity should be sent to Pegasus for inclusion in this section.

                           The Clan Classifieds
| Hello all. Now that I've reached      |    OTS is now looking for recruits.   |
| level 50, I decided to get more       | Any potential recruits, please        |
| involved with pkill. I'll be doing    | mudmail me and we can discuss your    |
| occasional duels with people, so      | future in our clan.                   |
| don't freak out if I get killed or    |           -Kendrik, OTS GM            | 
| something... Also, being a member of  |---------------------------------------|
| the American Red Cross and all, I'll  | Looking for female believer of Allah  |
| be offering medical services to       | Must be versed in the ways of the     |
| anyone, clanned or not. You might     | Salat, have not made hajj to Mekka,   |
| have to wait a bit because I'm        | and be willing to bear children       |
| getting a lot of requests lately.     | raised in Muslim home. Experience and |
| PS: Don't assume that I'm taking      | financial gins will be offered. To    |
| sides when I heal someone who was     | respond, contact:                     |
| killing you. I heal ANYBODY           |   -Terrizno, the Dark Mage of Allah   |
|   -Lethargio, American Red Cross      |                                       |
                            Joining the Red Cross
    Even as a child, I had a extraordinary ability for understanding things.
    I was born in a fairly wealth family, my father a retired general, my
mother a nurse in a small hospital. Our family was quite religious, we prayed
before eating, prayed before going to bed, went to church every Sunday...being
a child, I absorbed every word that came out of the priest's mouth. To think
that I actually believed that stuff...
    Everyone called me smart, ingenious...all those things. I didn't really
see what was the big deal, all I did was memorize what the teachers told me
and put it on a piece of paper. Despite my academic achievements, my father,
being a stubborn military man and all, kept on giving me lessons on how to
defend myself. He taught me much, how to use a knife, how to use a gun,
maintaining and customizing guns...things like that. My mother was a nurse and
taught me basic medical skills in case of emergencies.
    I did not plan to be in the medical profession like my mother, nor a
soldier like my father. I wanted to become a scientist, to maybe use all that
intelligence that they said I had.
    War broke out, one of the biggest wars they said. From what I heard, some
guy assassinated another guy...who knows.  A few months later our family
decided to go to Belgium to pick up my uncle's family that were trapped in the
middle of the war. I was reluctant to go because of our safety, and I didn't
really know the relatives enough to be motivated to save them. We went anyway
though.  We quickly ran to the town...I don't remember how, but we managed to
safely arrive there. They had a nice stone house. It was well decorated, and
had quite of bit of expensive furniture. Too bad we had to leave it. Their
family was a family of four, my uncle, his wife, and two boys, my cousins.  I
do not remember their names, however, I don't really want to... All of a
sudden, airplanes appeared out of the sky. Everyone was shrieking and running
around terrified. The planes did not drop bombs however, they spread an odd
liquid on the entire town. I smelled it, it wasn't poison...then I realized
what it was. Reacting instantly, I grabbed the younger of my cousins, and
quickly ran into the house. I yelled at my parents to get in, but it was too
late. Kerosene. In a matter of a few seconds fire engulfed the entire town. I
watched the people shrieking and running around, the devilish flames covering
their bodies.  Damn it, can't they use bombs like everyone else?  As I watched
these innocent people die, I asked why?  Why must these people die? How can
the one they call God let this happen?  These questions passed through my mind
as we trudged through the street filled with charred bodies, the air filled
with cooked flesh.  Old sayings of my father's went through my head. "Dulce et
decorum est pro patria mori"(1)? yeah right, unless this is what you really
wanted...did you really?
    I spent several years as a traveler, unsure of what to do, who I
am...while the questions were still popping in my head. Then one day, I found
an answer.
    We were walking through a deserted town one day, when two German soldiers
spotted us. "Halt!" they yelled, but I knew what was going to happen if we
did; we ran. Unable to keep up with me, my cousin fell and was shot. I ran
into an alleyway, and the sniper followed me. I threw dust into his eyes,
grabbed his gun, and fired point blank into his chest. I bandaged my cousin's
wounds, but I noticed his arm had started to turn blue. I did not know what
that meant, and panicked. I felt totally helpless as this young boy slowly
died. I prayed to God to help him, but I got no response. He died early next
    I thought about it...ever since I was born God had not helped me, nor
harmed me. Never answered my prayers, never gave me anything...but this thing
we call life. It was people, I thought, it was people who have made my
happiness and caused my grief. I speculated to myself....if anyone were to
change the world, it would have to be me. I have stopped praying. I suppressed
all anger, hatred, fear...all my unwanted emotions...everything seemed clear
    I decided to return to London, and when I did I spent what remained in my
account to attend medical school. I learned every possible course they
offered, including surgery, psychology, everything I could get my hands on. I
still do not know if there is a God ...the ideas planted in my head since
childhood still exist. If there is eternal salvation, however, I will
certainly earn my right to enter their gates.
                    - Lethargio, member of the American Red Cross Organization

(1)--it is sweet and fitting to die for one's country

                                 Peace Talks

    Tonight marked the night of the first peace talk between warring
    clans. It started out as a way for Mercs, Iscariot, and Knights to
    work out their differences and ended in a council to promote pkill on
    Legend. Dozens of people, clanned and unclanned attended, and I feel
    we accomplished a lot together.

    I'll summarize our talk:
Like I said, the original reason for the meeting was to work out a way for
Iscariot, Merc, and Knights to work out their differences, mainly everyone's
problem with wolfpacking. All clans present agreed that wolfpacking will be
used only in extreme circumstances, like to kill someone who's looted several
items without an RP reason or to kill someone who multi'd someone else. The
Mercs have agreed that they will not wolfpack people, even during contracts.
They agreed that two on one is acceptable to carry out a contract.

    Number Two: Problem Pkillers
Problem pkillers, pkillers who kill often and without a stable RP reason. We
have formed a council to deal with these people. Problem pkillers will be
notified via mudmail that if they do not cease their actions, they will be
punished if they continue after their first warning.

    Three: Roleplay
Most parties present agreed that Rp is seriously lacking in pkill and that no
clan shall have a right to tell another clan how they should be RPing or what
their clan code should be.

    Four: Looting
Looting is now deemed unacceptable for pkill. Pkillers who loot will be killed
and have the item taken back, either by council members or any pkiller Four:
Looting is now deemed unacceptable for pkill. Pkillers who loot will be killed
and have the item taken back, either by council members or any pkiller who
wishes to help retrieve the item. Looters will only have the item they looted
removed from their corpse. If looters persist their habit, council will vote
on an acceptable course of action. However, if you wish to loot from someone
in an RP battle, please work it out with that person. Simply looting something
from someone even if you intend to give it back can result in hurt feelings
and misunderstandings.

    Five: The Council
Council will be made up of the GM from every clan or a pre-appointed
alternate, to be voted on by individual clans. Meetings will be held
periodically, to be voted on at a later date as to the time and day. Everyone
will be invited to meetings, unclanned or not, and everyone will get a chance
to have their voices heard, and council will vote on matters.
                                        - Lust - GM Iscariot

                    Domestic Violence Within the Knights

The Knights once again are under the spotlight with the recent incident,
involving the multi-death of their current (to this moment) Guildmaster, Sir
Stephen, after he would not step down as the Guildmaster of the Knights. After
trying to have Stephen voted out, Sir Tarbash was stripped of his title and
forced to leave the clan. A deliberation of the issue in Sabella's office came
to no avail, and frustration soon turned to anger. As Diet pointed out, he and
a select few Knights cornered Stephen and killed him repeatedly, resulting in
more hatred amongst the clan, and another unfortunate blemish to the Knight's
reputation. Why the Knights didn't wait till the end of the week as Stephen
had stated, and consequently avoided all of this, is yet to be known.
                                        - Pegasus
___                                                                        ___
\  |----------------------------------------------------------------------|  /
/__|                            LOVE LEGEND STYLE                         |__\
                             Marriage on the Rocks

    It is certainly not an everyday occurance when the Thain of the McDougan
clan takes a bride. Lindisfarne Abbey was specially decorated for the event,
with a cloth of the McDougan Tartan covering the altar, and a bagpipe (the
McDougan clan-symbol) engraved upon it. A newly erected window peered out over
a mist-enshrouded meadow near a loch where McDougan sheep grazed contentedly,
and a regiment of Scots bagpipers stood ready to bite the tails of their cats,
err, play their bagpipes. The wedding party was busy with last minute
preparations as well. Myriad adjusted Katarina's train and Huma his tuxedo,
while Vengeance looked around for someone to kidnap in the name of 'S'.

    Following traditional Scottish custom, McDougan and his family assembled
to ask the bride's guardian for her hand. Silencio was overcome, blowing his
nose into a tissue at the lovely sight before him, but managed to recover as
McDougan presented him with a whiskey bottle and commented, 'Heer th'
    Sabella, who was performing the ceremony, clearly didn't take into account
McDougan's literal (befuddled?) nature when she directed him to 'Advance and
take Silencio's hand and repeat after me, 'I, Thalgenael do swear that I know
of no reason why I should not marry this woman, nor have made any vow, nor
concerned myself in any way that should not permit of me marrying her, and
hereby do plight my troth.'
        Thus, McDougan advanced, pulling Silencio along behind him, and said,
'Eftrr me. I, Thalgenael d' [email protected]*&^%@*&! Theet I ken o' na reashon why
I shauldna marry thish lashie, nrr hev I made me vow, nrrr coonsheernnned
mesheelf in eeny way thatch mightch na prrrmitch me t' mrrryy hrr, nnd I d'
fligthht my lauth?'
    Sabella said to Silencio, 'Will the shepherd.... er, guardian.. now hand
the over?' and so Silencio handed Katarina over to McDougan,
although we're not sure he was much of a guardian, in that case.

    Then Katarina and her party gathered for the ceremony itself. Amid the
cheers of the assembled crowd, they marched in to the bagpipes playing,
'McDougan where's your troosers.' Behind the bride's party, the groom and his
family marched in to the inspiring sound of, 'The McDougan's are coming,
hurrah, hurrah', and the discharge of muskets.
    'Whoot thosh funny metchal tingsh wi th' shmoke coomin oot o' their eend?'
McDougan questioned coweringly.
    'Fireworks,' Sabella said to McDougan, with a twinkle, as Shane stuck in a
few sticks of dynamite, and Vengeance added some homemade bottle rockets
before putting away his book "Fireworks: Fun for you and all your 4 fingered

    At the door to the church, the groom, as is traditional, stopped to untie
all knots...  unfortunately this included his kilt. Silencio covered his eyes
with his hands, as McDougan's body flushed bright red, all over (and we do
mean ALL over), and he muttered to Sabella, 'Ceerfull wi' thoshe drrechtoonsh!
They deengeeroush!' Katarina and Silencio entered the church, decorated with
candles as is typical for a Catholic ceremony, and stood to the groom's left.
The pipers and musketeers also entered and stood around the sides, playing,
'Scots Wha Hae Wi McDougan Bed... er, Bled,' which is not so typical for a
Catholic ceremony, but pretty typical for Clan McDougan.

    Sabella cleared her throat and took out the sacraments in preparation for
the Holy Communion. She looked lingeringly at a bottle of wine, as several
guests paused to refresh themselves from their own skins and flasks. The
pipers played 'Amazing Grace' inviting all to the Lord's Table, while Sabella
passed a communion plate with wafer to McDougan and Katarina, and intoned a
prayer in Latin, seeming to acquire a slight Scottish brogue. She then filled
a chalice with wine, blessed it, and handed the cup to McDougan. McDougan took
a sip, hiccuped, and returned the chalice to Sabella who peered in it, drained
it, and looked very thankful.
    'Aren't you going to give me the cup?' Katarina sighed to McDougan.
    McDougan, typically befuddled and confused, said to Katarina, 'Shabby
belle did thatch, dinna she?'
    Sabella, said 'Oh shorrry,' as she refilled the cup and handed it to
Katarina again. Katarina drank from the chalice and handed it back to Sabella.
Gail topped off the chalice for Sabella (weddings are thirsty work). Sabella
looked very pleased and drained the cup again.

    Her brogue deepening noticeably, Sabella intoned, 'Dearrrly Belooved, we
arrr gaithered herre, in the sight of God, to join togaither these two bodies
tha' henceforrrth they may be one body, to the end tha' they may earrrn
togaither eternal life. Wha Shepherd gives this sheep.... errrr woman ta the
flock of the McDougansh?
    'I do,' Silencio said, sobbing into his hanky.
    Sabella said, 'Wha will gae McDougan to aneone?'
    'I do,' Caitlin says.

    Sabella said to McDougan, 'Wil' thou hae this sheep... er woman to thy
wedded wife, wil' thou love and honourr herr, keep and guarrd herr frrom the
wolves, in sickness annd in health, in drunkenness and sober... errr, well
ye'rr ne'er shober anywys.'
    All teary-eyed, 'Aye, I weel!'  McDougan exclaimed.
    'Wil' thou hae this shepherd... er man, to thy wedded husband, wil' thou
love and... at least pretend to honorr him, and hold his head whene'er he is
in his cups, um.. always?' Sabella said to Katarina.
    Katarina said, 'I will...always.'

    Sabella hiccuped, and looked forlornly at the empty chalice, which Gail
kindly refilled, before Vengeance and Shane snuck over to sprinkle something
across the liquid. She drank aagin, and wiped her mouth on the back of her
robe, as McDougan stared at his bride, trying to restrain the kiss for after
the ceremony.
    'Please join handsh...'  Sabella requested, asking, 'Have ye yur own vowsh
or shall I gae wi' traditional Schcottish onesh?'
    'Les shtart wi' tradeetioonal aand eshpand froom thrrr,' said McDougan, to
which Katarina agreed.
    A brother mumbled some sort of prayer to himself, and Sabella winked at
him, and muttered, 'I'll bet you do.'

    Sabella told McDougan the "traditional" (um, well...) Scottish vows, 'Say
after me, I McDougan take thee Katarina to my wedded wife, to have and to hold
from this day forward, and no other flock shall have her, for better... um for
worse.. um, in weal and woe, for richer for poorer, in drunkeness forever,'
    McDougan expounded upon these in his own special way, saying, 'I
Thalgenael McDougan, tyke ye katchareena t' me weeded wife, t' hev nnd t'
hauld, een shicknesh een heetlth, een plaugue, rrr drippin push, rrr.'
    At this point, McDougan became somewhat overcome by the... graphic nature
of his vows, and vomited up a couple pints of stale whisky.
    'Letch me getch oof thatch trach,' he continued, 'Froom thish day
foorwrrrdm nnd na oothrrr flock'll hev hrr, nnd eef they try, I weel mmake
haggish o' thmm, frr betchrrr, rrr frr woorsh, een weel rr woe, fff richeer,
rr poooeeer, ee droonkeennesh frreevrrr.'

    The traditional vow of the bride seemed to be somewhat different, as
Sabella asked Katarina to pledge, 'I Katarina take The McDougan to my
guaardian und hushband, for much worse, in weal and in woe, and even when he's
drunk, in bed and at board, til death us do part, if the Holy Church will
ordain it...and thereto I plight thee my troth,'
    The newly-made McDougan rose bravely to the challenge, and changed the
wording slightly to suit herself, 'I, Katarina, take McDougan to be my
guardian and husband...for much worse, in well and woe, and even when he's
drunk (eek)...In bed and tied to the board, till death us do part...if the
Holy Church will ordain it, and thereto, I plight thee my throth.'
    Silencio dabbed his eyes with a fresh Kleenex, while Sabella took a moment
(and another long gulp from the cup) to get herself together, mumbling 'tied
to the board...'

    Sabella asked the couple to exchange rings. McDougan gave katarina the
ring, saying 'Wi' thish reeng nnd vesht nnd tree I theee wed, nnd me haggish
nnd sheep I thee gie, and wi my whishkey I thee worship, und wi' alll my
worrrldy cha'els I thee honor.'
    After some confusion over which ring, Katarina gave the right ring to
McDogan and said, 'With this ring I thee wed again'.
    Sabella concluded, 'I now pronounce you shepherd and flock, man and
wife... let's get drunk.'
    McDougan took exception to the abbreviated ending, complaining, 'Dunna I
getch t' kish hrrr?' to which Sabella added, 'You may kiss the bride.'

    Comments such as, 'A married McDougan? Is that kinda like a pickled one?
So what do married McDougans do? Do they still drink and stumble around?'
followed the couple to the guest house, where they were pelted with bridal
bread and goat cheese (another traditional Scottish custom), gorged themselves
on haggis, and proved that they do, indeed still stumble around, as they
refilled their shining pewter quaich's from ever-flowing kegs of ale and
whiskey. The pipers followed them in playing, 'Sheep wha hae wi' McDougan's
bed,' and whistling at Katarina who had apparently misplaced her clothes.
    McDougan asked his bride to 'Hev a dreenk o' cake,' as he handed her a
heavy piece of rum cake.
    'Did you get me drunk?' Katarina asked.
    'Itch joosht rum.. shauldna hev goot ye thatch mooch, froom un pieshe o'
    'But i don't drink *hic*,' Katarina noted as she ran over to McDougan,
stumbled, and fell into his arms. 'When do we go on our *hic* hunny moon?'
Drinking her whiskey from a shining pewter quaich, Katarina hiccuped, 'This
tastes gud.'
    'Welcome to the McDougans,' Sky said, eyes twinkling, 'So where is that

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