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  .../________________/       running on 9999
VOLUME FIVE, ISSUE TWENTY-EIGHT                        October 16th, 1998

                             TABLE OF CONTENTS

             -               The Editor's Note               -
             -          Upcoming Calendar of Events          -

             -           Pkill Tourney Coming Up!            -
             -           LegendMUD Usage Analysis            -
             -               Immortals Report                -
             -                The Housing FAQ                -
             -           A Guide to Pkill Survival           -
             -       Madame Decara's Horoscope Readings      -

             -              Have some sympathy!              -
             -           WHO? CLeo Interviews Fatale         -
             -         The Wedding of Ronnie and Jade        - 
             -                    Humans                     -
             -             Description changes!              -
             -               Attention: Dusty                -
             -                Disco Superfly                 -
             -                 The Tyga Tale                 -
             -              Malachite's Illness              -
             -                 A Ruined Horn                 - 

___                                                                    ___
\  |------------------------------------------------------------------|  /
/__|                         EDITOR'S NOTE                            |__\

Hello All,

This is the first LT in a month, and I'm happy to announce that we'll e
resuming regular publication starting with this issue. I had a
wonderful wedding and a great honeymoon in Jamaica, and I've started my
new job. So with all those life changes out of the way, I'm wiping some
of the dust off of my Legend-brain and jumping back in with both feet.

This week's issue includes a lot of information about upcoming changes
and events, assorted pieces of news, and a whole slew of roleplay
events for the last month. I hope it's not too overwhelming. 

This LT also marks the beginning of a newly adjusted schedule -- in order
to reach you with information about changes more efficiently, Q & A
sessions will now be held on Thursdays, at the same time as changes are
posted to the welcome board. The transcript of that session will then
appear in Friday's LT. In order to get the LT out on time, all
submissions MUST be in by 5pm Friday, to (please don't
email them to me!). If your submission is not in by then, I'll hold it
for the next issue.

                                       Love to all,

___                                                                    ___
\  |------------------------------------------------------------------|  /
/__|                    UPCOMING CALENDAR OF EVENTS                   |__\

         [All times are system time unless otherwise specified]

         ]=%=[ ]=%=[ ]=%=[ ]=%=[ October ]=%=[ ]=%=[ ]=%=[ ]=%=[

Saturday, October 17, 11:00 am  - Trivia by Fatale
Sunday,   October 18,  7:00 pm  - **Trivia! (Round 6 of 12)**
Thursday, October 22,  7:00 pm  - Q & A Session, OOC Auditorium
Friday,   October 23,  8:00 pm  - Trivia by Fatale
Saturday, October 24,  3:00 pm  - Harvest Scavenger Hunt
Thursday, October 29,  7:00 pm  - Q & A Session, OOC Auditorium
Friday,   October 30,  6:00 pm  - BLURT! Word Game by Chante'
Saturday, October 31   ALL DAY    Halloween!
                       4:00 pm  - Pumpkin Hunt
                       9:00 pm  - Costume Contest

___                                                                    ___
\  |------------------------------------------------------------------|  /
/__|                          NEWS AND REPORTS                        |__\

                         Pkill Tourney Coming Up!

Its that time of year again! Time for the Semi-annual Pkill Tourney!
The following is everything that will be required and needed for you to
enter. You need NOT be pkenabled to enter. Just be at least level 10.

The tourney will be held Saturday, Nov 14th at 5pm system time.  The
port will be announced closer to that date.

You must bring everything that you will use, though, I do have mobs
that will give out some herbs and ammo, IF that ammo is 'stock' ammo.
Bring extra, just in case.

You will NOT be able to prep your friends with vials and/or spells.  I
will tform, mend and repair after each fight, if needed.  The rest of
the rules will be given at the tourney.

Weight classes:




The 10 level limit still applies, I'll be pairing off people within
those limits.  There will be a new area for the tourney this year,
hopefully you all will find it fun. =)

Any questions can be mudmailed to me.

I'll be taking entries until November 11th at midnight EASTERN time.(11

Please mudmail me your entries on a normal piece of note paper(no photos)
from the character that you wish to enter. Please include the following
on your entry:

The level you are currently
The level you plan to be on November 11th
Your character name
If you use a gun, name the gun you use.(Enfield, webley, etc)



                LegendMUD Usage Analysis
             August 1 1998 - September 31 1998

               August Peak Mortal Players  73
            September Peak Mortal Players  70

The table below shows the Average Mortal Players connected to Legend by
hour of the day polled approximately on the hour system time during the
period noted above.

          hour  0  1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9 10 11
          avg  41 37 31 28 26 24 22 22 24 25 29 31

          hour 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23
          avg  35 35 37 40 43 42 44 42 46 47 44 45

                                (*) (*) (*)

                            The Immortal Report

The immortal staff, Rufus in particular, has been working hard to get
housing ready to install, and we have made bugfixes and typo repairs to
almost every area on the mud (kudos to Kaige in particular on this
front). The new immortals have been hard at work on their duties, with
the new builders showing progress on their areas, and the new PR
immortals keeping the strings and games flowing. Although the works and
the workers are too many to list, a special 'way to go' belongs to Tad
for his tireless PR labors, and to Rusalka, who has returned with an
outpouring of energy to make updates to Tudor.

                                (*) (*) (*)

The Housing FAQ
Version 1.1, last updated 10/12/98

If you have a question or answer for inclusion in this FAQ, please
email it to

*) Is there a level restriction on owning a house?

No. Anyone who can afford a house can buy one.

*) What will the price of a house be?

Pricing has not yet been determined for housing. We will announce the
general pricing structure at the same time we announce the installation
date of housing.

The cost of the house will be effected by the ornateness, location, and
features of the rooms in the house. In general, expect the price to be
such that players will need to put some effort into maintain g a house.

*) Does owning a house take up any of the rent space used for my
equipment? (1k/level + prestige)


*) Do I pay for my house up front or is it a continuing cost?

There will be a relatively large up front cost for the house. There will
also be an additional continuing cost for the house which will be much
less. The cost of houses will be withdrawn automatically from the
owner's bank account (whether the owner is a player or a clan).

*) What happens to items I leave in my house?

If you drop an item in your house that isn't owned by another player,
the item will become owned by you. This means that it'll save over
reboots. There will be an additional coin cost for the items left in
your house. Expect the cost of the item to be related to the rent value
of the item, though not necessarily equal to it. There will be no rent
cost for items left in houses, only the coin cost.

*) What happens if I can't pay for my house?

It gets re-possessed along with any items in the house. 

*) Can I remove a house if it costs too much?

Yes. Players will be able to demolish their house at any time they

*) Can two people share the cost of a house?

No. Players can create an RP clan if they have 5 people in which case
they can own a house. Of course, there's nothing saying that one player
can't give money to the other for the upkeep of the house.

*) Can I decide on the description for my house?

No. You'll have the ability to choose from a list of descriptions
defined by the builder who wrote the area in which you're building your
house. There's a good reason for this: we want to make sure that your
house fits in with the area which it was built in. If you were walking
through Ancient India, would you expect to find a air conditioned
duplex? One of the goals is to make houses look as much like they're
part of the areas built for LegendMUD as possible. 

The immortal staff has discussed the possibility of creating "house
coupons" wherein players could trade in a coupon for the ability to
create a custom room name. Custom room names would need to be approved
by the builder of the area that the house is in and would vanish if the
house was repossesed. 

*) Where will I be able to build houses?

Builders will define where houses will be able to be built in their
areas. This will allow them to ensure that shops are only built in
commercial districts, houses in industrial districts. Again, this
helps builders ensure that houses won't look out of place in their

Houses will appear as normal exits in the game. Builders will only be
able to set aside unused exits for player houses.

*) Can I name my house?

Some rooms will be designed to have a player's name in the title of the
room. Other rooms will not. This will be the decision of the builder
who defined the room to begin with.

*) How will access control be implemented for my house?

The details of this have not yet been decided. Imagine that houses are
like a combination of clan halls and ownership. Pkillers will not be
able to hide away in a house that their foes can not get into.
Friendship will play a big part in determining who is allowed into

Some new features have been added to the code recently in order to
allow for better house security: locks with difficulty levels, locks
that can only be attempted to be picked at a certain frequency, clan
friendship, etc.

*) Can I rent in my house? Have a pool? A no update room? Safe room?

Some rooms will be set as rentable rooms. Some rooms may have furniture
that come with them. Some rooms may have a variety of different options
associated with them. Don't expect to be able to have rooms which would
provide a haven for pkillers.

*) Can I furnish my own house?

We are working on methods whereby people can purchase furniture for
their house. Furniture will be like other items and will have a regular
cost associated with them.

*) What happens if I archive?

Your house will go away. We'd like to archive houses when players
archive. However, we're not sure what to do if one player builds a
house, archives, another player builds a house in the same location as
the first house. What happens when the first player unarchives and
there's a conflict for the location?

Possibilities include finding a solution to this problem, refunding
money for houses that people archive, and perhaps the ability to sell
the house to another player. (You could not sell the house to another
one of your characters as that would be multiplaying).

                                (*) (*) (*)

Papercut's Guide to Pkill Survival

1. Cut your losses. 
        If you are killed, don't give anyone any reason to multi you.

2. Exact revenge.
	Make sure nothing goes unnoticed. If you were wolfpacked,
organize one of your own. If you were jumped, set up a jump. Don't let
anyone think you won't retaliate.

3. Make friends.
	For No.2 to be possible, you need people you can depend on.
Joining a clan is one way, being nice in general is another way.

4. Know your enemy's friends.
	Only idiots and those that go against idiots pick a fight when
the odds aren't even remotely even. Of course, you prolly won't find
out which of the two was the idiot until later, but learn to check the
who list for possible chars who may aid your opponent.

5. Be aggressive.
	Offense is the best defense. If there are people who will
attack you at sight, then no reason to wait for them to come to you.
Eliminate threats.

6. Make yourself known.
	The more rep you have, less the likelihood of every bored
clanned char coming to take a shot at you. Combined with the
reputation of sure retaliation, you will find yourself less and less
attractive for newly clanneds to try themselves on.

7. Don't get into something you have no business in.
	If there are two groups seriously hating each others' guts,
don't get into it unless you are willing to completely side with one or
the other.  At best, you will be targeted by one of the two groups.  At
worst, you will be targeted by both.

8. Don't portray yourself as the whiner.
        Whining doesn't get you anywhere. Suck it up and refer to No.2

9. Bide your time.
        Time is your ally. You will always have more time than your enemy.
Believe it.

10. Don't let your guard down.
	Always check the who list and note who's online. Always hunt
every now and then to see if anyone is nearby. And when you smell
something fishy, bail.

                                (*) (*) (*)

                           Your Weekly Horoscope

In a desperate attempt to learn what the future might hold for you, oh
loyal readers, I have sought far and wide to obtain the following
clues, from none other than our Madame Decara of Agrabah,
prognosticator extrordinaire.

I transcribed her words as they came from her mouth, and produced the
document printed below, and I turned away to hurry to the press so that
it might reach you immediately.  'And remember,' she said, as she waved
me out the door:

'We all need a little more future in our lives.'

*****  *****  *****  *****  *****  *****  *****  *****  *****  *****

Weekly Horoscopes

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) is your time to be NAUGHTY. Have Halloween a little
early, and be sure to get all your pranks in before dawn next Friday. Cuz
after that...your karma is headed south.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Show your sophistication this week. The Joebob/Billysue act just won't
cut it when the most perfect person ever created walks through the door.
Consider collecting exotic desserts.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22)
Hang out in cafes. Drink coffee, and try to look hollow-eyed. Seek
enlightenment among the black-clad beret-wearers. Ah, the cynicism! It
will kill you unless you drive it out with an aluminum baseball bat.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec 21)
Focus on the air. It flows around you, through you. You will hit all
that you aim for, if you can keep your life balanced, and you use a
decent weapon. Wielding a lamp just won't cut it.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Eyow, when you are hot, you are hot! Keep up the good work -- there is
a great deal of advancement in your very near future. Only question
is...what will you do with all that loot?

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 19)
A well will not satisfy the thirst you feel -- seek your purpose in a
land of blood. Cleansing showers are required before entering the

Pisces (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20)
You are slippery when wet, or angry, for that matter -- your cunning is
at an all time high. Use it wisely.

Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19)
Normally swift in action, you should take a little time to ponder.
Explore a space you normally pass swiftly by, and take time to taste
the local delicacies.

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20)
Spend as much time behind the wheel as you can. Do what you can to
sharpen your mind, it will pay off eventually. Beware of red capes,
cloaks, and tunics.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
It is not going to be a good week for you. This week, expect to learn
the hard way that your easy temper is a double-edged sword, which your
enemies will simply wield against you.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Stick close to your ocean roots while the storm passes. A whirling
conflict will pass you by if you walk sideways and keep your claws

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22)
You are serendipitous -- seek out the ironical in the unexpected. You
may find love in a bog, joy in a prison, or regeneration in

*****  *****  *****  *****  *****  *****  *****  *****  *****  *****

            /                        \
        o O | Wonder what folks are   |
  `\|||/    | doing over at LegendMUD?|
   (o o)    \________________________/
___                                                                    ___
\  |------------------------------------------------------------------|  /
/__|    LEGENDITES: Information Regarding the People of Our World     |__\

                                (*) (*) (*)

                            Have some sympathy!

By Fuzzey

        Its not easy being a bunny and I wish you humans out there would 
finally realize this and stop picking on me!  Every day at least one of 
you will kick me or pull on my hair.  All im trying to do is survive and 
you are making my life so much harder.  Yesterday one of you meanies 
made me lose my voice, and my back is hurting from being kicked so 
often. How would you all like to be kicked and slammed against a tree 
every single day?  I don't think you would,  and i don't any more than 
you.  Would you humans please consider being just a bit nicer to me and 
all the other animals?  Our life is a lot harder than yours, and you 
need to know that. 

                                (*) (*) (*)

          __            __  _     _   _______    _____
          \ \    /\    / / | |   | | |  ___  |  / __  \
           \ \  /  \  / /  | |___| | | |   | |  \_\ \ |
            \ \/ /\ \/ /   |  ___  | | |   | |      / /
             \  /  \  /    | |   | | | |___| |     /_/ 
              \/    \/     |_|   |_| |_______|     __
               by CLeo of the Circle of Angels      

Hello Legenders!  This week, I've paid a visit to someone you most 
probably already know.  She's nice yet some of you might find she's 
harsh... No matter... Just read and judge for yourself.  I think she's 
great!  Have fun reading!

Name:  Fatale Sensua
Occupation: Owner of the massage and gossip parlor

Q - To what animal would you compare your innerself to?
A - What kind of animal has a really nasty temper that goes away after 
lashing out?  A bull, maybe, and not because I'm full of ****.  But 
because bulls are kind of not really subtle.

Q - What would you say shocks you the most in the world today?
A - I went to the mall last week and half the girls around age 16 had a 
kid.  I knew teenage pregnancy was bad, but that was horrible. And 
roadkill is always shocking, isn't there a special agency that scoops 
them off the road?  There was a Opossum that was there one day and got 
smashed flatter than cardboard.  It really ruins my ride to work.

Q - Is there an action you did in the past that you would like to
A - Nah, what I've done is a part of me, i wouldn't erase any of it, no 
matter how bad.  How're you gonna learn from your mistakes if you could 
just go back and erase them?  How I act and what happens to me 
determines what kind of person I

Q - Is it true you get alot of juicy gossip at your massage "center" ?
A - I get some, whether it's juicy or not depends on whether you care 
about it or not.  But... I haven't heard any printable gossip.

Q - You are asked to create a new word to put in the dictionary.  What 
would it be and what would it mean?
A - You're evil!  And you can quote me on that!  A snurgle.  That's when 
your cat jumps on your lap and wants his nose scratched.

Q - What is your favorite meal?
A - On one hand, I'm picky about what I like, but on the other hand, i 
don't really like anything more than anything else, except maybe Chinese 
food.  I'm still on the lookout for the perfect egg flower soup.

Q - If you could go to the future and could only remember one thing 
about it when you came back... what would it be? 
A -  Oh, jeez, don't tread there, I wouldn't wanna go to the future.  I 
don't wanna find out what my life is like in 40 years.  I don't wanna go 
to the future and find out that we've been conquered by an alien race, 
or maybe that our domesticated animals revolted.  I'm quite content 
living in the present, without dwelling on either the past or the future 
too much.  The future isn't nearly as important as people say, it's what 
you do now that matters, that shapes what happens to you later.

Q - I imagine you're waking up and you realize that you have just won 
millions of dollars.  What is the first thing you would do with your 
A - I'd give some to charity.  No, really, quit smirking, all you people 
who think I'm selfish. I want to give back to people, I want people who 
have less money than me have a chance to have nice things.

Q - If I could grant you a wish with my angel powers, what would it be?
A - More customers please!

Q - A few last words for our audience?
A - Don't take anything I say personally.  :P  Don't take anything 
anyone says personally, unless you're close friends with them.  It's not 
worth getting worked up over.  And Come get a massage!  I'm located in 
Roman Britain, 500 coins apiece, many
different varieties of oil!


That concludes another edition of "WHO?".  I would like to remind you 
that most of the people interviewed were picked randomly.  

I am open to interviewing people on requests as long as there is a good 
reason (example: the person is well known, is a GM, old legend player... 
the person achieved something really awesome/great... or any other 
valuable reason).  I do give myself the right to decline requests if be 
needed.  But I doubt I will decline any. 

Do not forget that you may send in some questions that you would like me 
to ask my victims.

Until next time...  May luck be on your path for ever everyone!


                                (*) (*) (*)

                       The Wedding of Ronnie and Jade

The Cemetery
This private cemetery is the final resting place of most of the brothers at
the abbey. Only the abbot is customarily entombed in a niche in the abbey
crypt, to lie near the bodies of the kings of France, who are also by custom
buried at St. Denis. You think it would be no shame to lay here, though, for
the graves have obviously been tended with love.
[Exits: w]
A small pale-skinned man paces here, his eyebrows furrowed in thought.
A playful young lady is resting here.
Myrella is resting here.
Adriana is standing here.
Semper is standing here.
The carefree druidess grins impishly as she dabbles with her herbs.
Jade is standing here.
Jade strides slowly up the altar with fluid grace, lovely in her black leather
dress with it's trailing cloak of barbed wire behind her.  She confidently
takes her place at the gravestone.

Ronnie peers around intently.
Ronnie rushes to the gravestone, nearly tripping on the carpet. Regaining his
footing, he takes his place next to Jade.

The pale king says, with an evil tone, 'As it is written upon the Book
of Shadows, ...'

The pale king says evilly, '"A single shadow, no matter how deep or
black, is but a shadow.  Only with the gathering of others can the
darkness be complete, a bond which will last past the ends of all

The pale king says, grinning evilly, 'These two have joined together,
crossed paths in the winds of Chaos so they might become as one, a
relationship of equal parts based on mutual admiration.'

The pale king looks at Ronnie expectantly.

Ronnie gently takes Jade's hand and hold it in his.  Jade smiles at

'My dearest, I pledge to you forever my heart, my mind, and my soul,'
Ronnie says, with a little giggle, to Jade. 'I live only for you, and
only to gaze on your beauty as each day passes.'

Jade melts into Ronnie's arms.

'I take thee Mi' soul is so afire...I shall love you and is my heart's desire,' Jade says evilly to Ronnie

The pale king says, grinning evilly, 'And so, as decreed by the Gods
themselves, with the power vested in me, I pronounce you ma... Vampire,
and wife.'

Ronnie pulls Jade close to him and gives her a tender kiss.
The pale king says, with an evil tone, 'You now may bite the bride.'

                                (*) (*) (*)

By Fuzzey

I think the world would be better without humans. Most of them just hit
you and try to eat you anyway, why are they even around?  Yesterday i
went to a garden to find food, and a human chased me just because i
took some cabbage.  I ran through thorns and got cut up real bad, all
because of a human!  And all i wanted was something to eat.  I dont
think its fair that the humans have all the rights, and us animals, who
were here first dont have a word in anything!

The forests are being cut down and all of us are hunted so they can
present their "great trophy kill" to all their human friends.  Whats
worse is they sacrifice us to their stupid gods!  And we cant do a
thing about it. But humans can be nice--some of them pet us and feed
us, they are what all the humans should be like.  All you humans
reading this should be nice to us animals because we were here before
you came.

                                (*) (*) (*)

                            Description changes!

Lady Morgan will now appear as Lady Belmont, as she has married Rictor

Having studied the arts of swordfighting under the Captain of the Guard
of Agrabah (a well known exponent of the arts of swordsmanship), Taipan
will no longer be known simply as "a serpentine warrior", he is now
truly "a serpentine swordsman".

I have seen many come and go, wandering the world, staying young, while
others pass on, that I now wish to be known as 'the last wanderer.'

                                (*) (*) (*)

                              Attention: Dusty

Is it for fear to wet a widow's eye,
That thou consum'st thyself in single life?
Ah! If thou issueless shalt hap to die,
The world will wail thee, like a makeless wife;
The world will be thy widow, and still weep,
That thou no form of thee hast left behind,
When every private widow well may keep,
By children's eyes, her husband's shape in mind.
Look, what an unthrift in the world doth spend,
Shifts but his place, for still the world enjoys it;
But beauty's waste hath in the world an end,
And, kept unus'd, the user so destroys it.
No love towards others in that bosom sits,
That on himself such murderous shame commits.

What limited knowledge I do possess of you, your fame and wit
celebrated yet also cautiously warned against, I think you know fair
well those words are not and were never mine; yet the man who wrote
them has escaped beyond my grasp, or I should have had him write them
in a form similar in content yet to woman and my lady addressed, and in
a stanza more to her suited.

  I know you know her well, or at least so it is said of you and her.
I have every reason to suspect that that sharp tongue of yours, the pen
reputably so much more powerful than sword or cannon, can be used to
serve a more - romantic intent.

  I have beseeched you in one form - now fail me not, this attempt, for
my lady grows impatient.

Yours sincerely,
Marcel Alexander, esquire.

                                (*) (*) (*)

                               Disco Superfly

This is the story about how an ordinary Irish lass became a disco

Many years ago while still a young girl, I was out playing with my twin
sister, Chante'.  As the day began to turn dark, I realized that I was
lost and I wandered around calling for my sister and parents, but got
no answer.  

Now, the woods that late at night can be very frightening for a young
girl who'd never been away from her family and any sign of people at
that time would have been a savior.  When I saw the tiny little cabin I
was ecstatic and ran over to it in a hurry.  When I threw open the
door, a tremendous bright light flooded my eyes and the dorr slammed
shut behind me.  

A tiny leprechaun stepped out from a corner of the room, and before I
could say a word, he told me that I was in for the adventure of a
lifetime.  He told me that I would be traveling to the future to
experience things that no person would experience for hundreds and
hundreds of years.  My eyes began to tear up and my chin began to
quiver.  I had only heard of leprechauns in fairy tales and stories,
but nobody I knew had ever actually seen one!  

I began to cry and said, "What about my sister and family? How can I
just leave them behind?" He laughed and said, "Silly girl, for every
hour you spend in the future only a second passes in the present
time?"  He continued to talk about the wonders of the future and as he
went on, I became more comfortable with the idea and decided to do it.
The leprechaun began to sing to me and as my eyes began to close, I saw
all the colors of the rainbow swirling around in my head.  The
leprechaun had told me that the longer I kept my eyes closed, the
farther into the future I would travel.  

I waited for what seems like an eternity, and finally I opened my
eyes.  I was surrounded by flashing lights, loud music, and people
dancing!  The people were dressed in sparkling, flowing clothes.  I
looked down and saw that I was dressed the same as they were!  Somebody
grabbed my hand and before I could protest, I was dancing along with
the rest of them.  

I stayed all night, and at the end of the evening, a man gave me a
miniature, twirling ball on a silver chain to remember the night by.
He told me that this music was called "Disco", and that I had been
dancing to ABBA's "Dancing Queen".  He then began to sing the same song
that the leprechaun had and once again, my eyes closed and I began to
see the colors.  

When my eyes opened again, It was morning and I was lying on the ground
in the woods.  There was no cabin anywhere to be seen and I figured it
must have all been a dream, but when I reached down to brush the dirt
off of myself, I saw the chain hanging around my neck.  I knew at that
point that there had been a leprechaun and that I had experienced
something called "Disco".

                                (*) (*) (*)

                               The Tyga Tale
                               By Inflatable

It was crowded in the Inn that night. Possibly because it was such a
nice place with a great atmosphere, good food, and only the best brews
money could buy. But it had none of these things so it was probably
just because it was the only one around. From my seat on the floor I
had a good view of many knee caps, and not much else. I looked up at
the woman whose table I was sitting under, having been drunk there by
her an hour or so earlier. She'd drunk litres of the local swill and
still looked as sober as I had been before my second sip of cider.

She was Tyga. Although who knew what her real name was, she'd had
many.  There were rumors she was the sole air to the Elfraido family
fortune, and there were rumors she was a 12ft tall amazon woman whos
favorite drink was sucked straight from the twitching corpses of her
victims, on the rocks.  Neither of these were entirely true, but its
not for me to say what is.

I remembered something about wanting to get off the floor and back in
my seat, but my legs wanted nothing to do with it and the journey back
into the seat seemed more challenging than paddling to Norway in a
canoe, which we'd done a few days earlier. I attempted it anyway with
little success, and gave up easily.

Then it happened.

A man stumbled into the Inn. 

Stumbled up to our table. 

Stumbled into her drink. 

And stumbled it right into her lap.

This was bad.

Or good depending on how you looked at it. 

Bad if you were the fool stupid enough to do it. Good if you were Tyga
and wanting to slice someone up.

The man stood staring down at her, watching her drink dribble down to
the floor. He spoke with the slur of false confidence as he first
likened her to some kind of mentally inadequate female canine and then
accused her of ruining his favorite pair of boots with her clumsily
spilt beverage. He seemed quite fond of his footwear, which I had a
close-up view of from where I was sitting. But the stench of his feet
was making my eyes water, so I couldn't tell you how nice they were.

All eyes were on Tyga as she stood, the stain from her spilt drink
finally giving the crowd an almost legitimate reason for staring at her
chest.  Slowly she looked the man up and down, probably sizing him up,
as the crowd parted and went silent in anticipation of what was to

If looks were all that could kill this guy would've been pretty safe.
Tyga looked harmless enough with her sweet smile and big brown eyes,
but her skill with a sword was a different story.

Wiping the drool from my chin I dragged my eyes away from the stain on
Tyga's tunic and gazed up groggily at the man who'd made the foolish
mistake, curious to see what kind of person would be so stupid. He
looked like your average lamp lighter. If there was such a thing. By
the smell of the fermented rat sweat that had entered the Inn with him
I'd say he was drunk, and by how filthy and grimy his face was he'd
probably spent the evening sucking the sweat right off the rats back.
He also looked angry, obviously more upset by the damage to his
favorite footwear than anyone could have imagined.

Suddenly there was a blade in his hand and he swiped at her with it,
obviously suicidal in his drunken state and hoping to add her blood to
the array of stains on his far from spotless outfit. Effortlessly she
stepped back out of his reach and in the one fluid motion span a full
circle bringing her leg up as she turned. Her perfectly executed kick
hit him square in the solar plexus. At least I assume thats what it
was. She had once told me that was where she aimed all her kicks, but
as everything I knew about anatomy I had learned from flicking through
a moldy old book we'd once found in a rat infested cellar for all I
knew his solar plexus could have been anywhere. He might not have even
had it with him.

He fell back, hitting the floor with a thud, and lay there breathing
hard.  His weapon slid across the floor into the forest of legs formed
by the crowd, and several gold coins fell from his pockets and span on
the floor.  Tyga bent to retrieve a few coins before heading towards the
bar seeking to replace her drink.

But the carrier wasn't done yet. Slowly he rose to his feet, producing
a second, longer dagger from his belt, and began to head towards the
bar. I suppose he'd tried attacking her from the front and was now
going to attempt it from behind.

It was as if she heard, or possibly smelt, him coming. As he attacked
her she turned, dodged his attack and effortlessly drew her sword. He
lunged at her again. She parried his attack with ease, her heavy sword
moving like a feather in her hands. He came away with a rather
surprised look on his face, like someone who'd just discovered their
hair was on fire and weren't quite sure how to deal with it, and slowly
gazed down at his chest in disbelief.

Blood began to show through his clothes but I'd never actually seen her
strike him. Either she was better than I thought or he was clumsy
enough to slash himself while lunging at her. He looked in horror at
the blood leaking from his body and then up at her. She shrugged and
with a quick simple swing at his neck cleanly detached his head from
the rest of him, spraying myself and the rest of the crowd with a
generous coating of blood. His now independent head rolled across the
floor, came to rest between my feet, and gazed up at me in a way only a
severed head can. It didn't look like this guy would be lighting any
lamps anytime soon.

The crowd cheered as Tyga wiped the back of her hand across her
forehead with a smile, leaving what looked like a bloody eyebrow
behind, and marched over to where I sat. She then declared that she was
bored and wanted to leave. To her the fight had meant nothing, just
another kill. To me it meant 3 hours of scrubbing blood stains out of
my leggings and never quite getting the same shine back into my boots.

She helped me up and began to stride towards the door, pausing by the
headless corpse and looking down at its feet.

"Hey!", she said excitedly. "These ARE nice boots! And just my size!"

She slipped them off the dead carrier's feet without a second thought
and carried them out with her.

				(*) (*) (*)

                           Malachite's Illness

	In the tavern of Lima, Malachite and her father sit down around
the table to break their fast.

Guapo yells out, "Eh, wench, bring me some rum!"

Guapo asks Malachite, "Have you seen your husband lately?"

	"I have not seen him in months.  I received a note about a
Crusade awhile back, but even before that I have not seen him.  You
know how he hates the boat and I hate to live on land so..." she says
as she shrugs.

	Malachite smiles at her father as the serving wench Juliana
approaches.  Juliana places the rum in front of Guapo and he thanks her
with a firm squeeze.  They order their breakfast, well lunch, seeing as
it is approaching 4 p.m.

	Juliana brings their food and disappears.  Guapo chows down
heartily.  He notices Malachite has barely touched her food.

	Guapo says to Malachite, worriedly, "Whats wrong, daughter
mine?  You have barely touched your food!"

"I don't know, Daddy, I just feel sick, like I am going to throw up."

"Perhaps some sea air would do you good, let's take you home."

	Guapo escorts his daughter home and tucks her in her bed,
saying. "I will check the top sail as you asked me, hon. I hope you
feel better."

	Guapo leaves, closing the door and climbing topside.  Malachite
drops into a fitful sleep.

	As dusk falls, the blue sky fading to black, a creak of the
door and the strike of a match being lit awaken Malachite.  Her eyes
flutter open.  He stands there cloaked in the semi-darkness.  He
notices her pale complexion.  His fingers gently brush her cheek and
she feels hot to the touch.  He places a cool washcloth on her

	"Are you ok?"

Malachite says quietly, "I feel nauseous and a little dizzy."

	"If you would eat more, you wouldn't be dizzy."

Malachite, in a petulant tone, "But it made me want to throw up.  Just
make me feel better."

He chuckles, "I am afraid I can not do that, only time can."

"What?" Malachite asks in confusion.

"How long have you been nauseous?  And you have been sleeping a lot.
Have you not heard of morning sickness?"

"But it wasn't morning."

"It is if you don't get up until high noon every day, dear."

"So what is your point?" she says.

"I am saying you, my dear, are going to have a child...  our child."

	Malachite blinks in surprise fear shining in her eyes.  He sat
on the bed and held her, telling her stories calming her worries and
fears into the wee hours of the morning.

"I must go my dear one."

	He kisses the palm of her hand and turns to go.  She calls out
to him as he steps out the door and into the enshrouding darkness.

"Yes, Malachite?"

"Will you be there for me when the time comes?"

"I will be here for you always."

	Into the night, her lover disappears.

				(*) (*) (*)

                               A Ruined Horn

Written on a torn piece of paper with burnt, blackened edges, our offices
received the following:

I was hanging out with my best pal tamakhet when I heard a cry for help
from salem...(yah, I know it sounds suspicious, but sometimes i'm
psychic that way...) so I moseyed on over to check it out...  and who
did i find?

A lot of people really...  but the one who actually matters is Joseph
Hutchinson.  While I was wandering around town, I realized that it was
getting dark and I needed a light, so of course I made myself an orb
like I always do...this crazy guy locked me up and threw me in jail!

So I yelled at him for a little while and then buttered him up and he
let me go. When I found the person who'd sent the calls for help, I
realized she didn't have a light either, so I made her one too. Bad

Joseph came back and he was really really mad...  threw me in jail
again and I yelled some more and then misspoke and all of a sudden I
was on this spooky platform! 

He asked for my last words...  I guess I must have said the wrong ones.
He burned me at the stake and beat me up pretty badly...I managed
to heal myself, but my poor little horn!  -sigh-

And that's the story of how my horn got mangled...and don't ask me if
you see it!

*is still kinda touchy about the whole thing*


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