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VOLUME EIGHT, ISSUE FIVE                                      March 5, 2001
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

                           TABLE OF CONTENTS

                        A Note from the Implementor

                           Calendar of Events
                           
                       NEWS, REPORTS, & UPDATES
                     February Connection Analysis
                            Recent Updates
                             Q & A Topics
                          Gangwars PK Tourney
                          
                              LEGENDITES
                             Announcements
                           A Hot Line To Hell
                        LASER-BEAM-TRANSMISSION
                       Log: The Eistefod Report!


=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=


                        A Note from the Implementor

                Player Community/Character Communities
             and making them work separately and together

Being a part of any community is always interesting to me. I'm one of those
people who likes to go places to watch the people and how they interact
with their surroundings and other people.

In the real world, everyone is always busy working on their own agendas and
a virtual community seems no different to me. Everyone is always busy
working on their own agendas. Communities and sub-communities form around
common interests and goals. Now, I'd expect that the main reason anyone
logs into a virtual community/world/multiplayer game (they all have
something in common--other people) is to have an enjoyable experience.

LegendMUD is such an intriguing space in many respects. As Chaykin recently
posted on the Discussion Board, Legend has always tried to support a
variety of play styles, but often the most satisfied players are those with
a similar well rounded approach.

This more free-form approach to character development brings an interesting
dynamic with it. On one hand, you have a place where a bunch of players
gather to play a game and have fun. On the other hand, the game supports a
more dynamic community of characters that often have widely different goals
and interests.

The group of players that connect to LegendMUD come from widely varied
cultural and economic backgrounds all over the world. Sure, some people are
from the same locale and many people are or have become friends outside the
game as well. However, everyone shares an interest in playing the game and
want to have a good time doing it. How exactly they have a good time doing
that, shouldn't really matter, unless it is disruptive or ruins the fun for
others.

The characters that appear in LegendMUD have backgrounds even more varied
than their players', but unlike the people behind the roles, character
goals vary radically from one to the next. Some will want to conquer the
world, others just be well respected in their chosen profession, others yet
are out to save the world.

So the real trick in an online community like LegendMUD is to make both
those groups thriving while minimizing the negative repercussions on each
other. The players have to leave enough distance so that they don't take
everything said against their character personally, while trying to immerse
themselves in the world to the point where they might be surprised by
something their character does.

In the next couple of issues I'm going to focus on some related topics:
       Finding People With Similar Interests
       Conveying RP to Others
       Dealing With Unexpected Twists and Playing Off Someone Else
  
-Kaige

___                                                                        ___
\  |----------------------------------------------------------------------|  /
/__|  LegendMUD Calendar of Events                                        |__\
   '----------------------------------------------------------------------'

          [All times are system time unless otherwise specified]

         {}-{}-{}-{}-{}-{}-{}-{}-{} March {}-{}-{}-{}-{}-{}-{}-{}

       Tuesday,   March  6th,  6:00 pm   Zaba's PK Discussion
       Wednesday, March  7th   6:00 pm   "Stork Night" in the OOC
       Thursday,  March  8th,  7:00 pm   Q & A in the OOC Auditorium
       Saturday,  March 10th,  noon      March Madness Tinyplot
                               2:00 pm   PK Tourney, Gangwars Format
       Sunday,    March 11th,  7:00 pm   Trivia
       Thursday,  March 22nd,  7:00 pm   Q & A in the OOC Auditorium



___                                                                        ___
\  |----------------------------------------------------------------------|  /
/__|  News, Reports, and Updates!                                         |__\
   '----------------------------------------------------------------------'


                    LegendMUD Connection Analysis
                           February 2001

                       Peak Mortal Players 80
                         Average Peak was 56
                    Peak PKOK Enabled Players 45
             Pkokenabled Characters represent approximately
                       48% of active players.

                   Peak Accept All Characters 12
             Accept All Characters represent approximately
   8% of all active characters and 17% of active pkok enabled characters.

The first two tables below show the Average Mortal Players,  Average
PKOK Enabled Players, and the number that were "Accept All" connected
to Legend by hour of the day as polled approximately on the hour
system time during the period noted above.

The third table shows the same averages calculated by the day of week.

              hour  0  1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9 10 11
              ------------------------------------------
              avg  33 28 23 18 16 14 14 16 20 24 27 29
              pke  15 13 11  9  8  6  6  7  9 12 13 14
              aas   2  2  1  1  1  1  0  1  1  2  2  2


              hour 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23
              ------------------------------------------
              avg  32 36 39 46 46 45 46 46 50 50 45 39
              pke  15 17 19 22 22 22 21 22 23 25 22 19
              aas   2  3  2  3  3  3  3  3  4  4  3  3


              day   MON  TUE  WED  THU  FRI  SAT  SUN
              ------------------------------------------
              avg    32   32   33   31   31   36   34
              pke    16   16   16   15   14   16   16
              aas     2    2    2    3    2    2    2

This last table breaks down each hour by the day of the week in detail.

      MON       TUE       WED       THU       FRI       SAT       SUN
   AVG PK AA|AVG PK AA|AVG PK AA|AVG PK AA|AVG PK AA|AVG PK AA|AVG PK AA
------------+---------+---------+---------+---------+---------+---------
 0: 30 15  2| 31 15  1| 33 14  2| 28 13  3| 35 14  2| 35 15  3| 41 20  3
 1: 24 14  2| 24 12  1| 31 13  2| 22 11  3| 30 14  3| 31 14  2| 34 16  2
 2: 24 11  1| 18  9  1| 23 12  1| 18  9  2| 24 12  1| 30 14  2| 27 13  1
 3: 18 10  1| 15  8  1| 16  8  1| 15  8  2| 20 11  1| 25 11  1| 20 10  1
 4: 15  7  1| 13  7  1| 15  8  1| 12  7  1| 18 10  1| 19  9  1| 17  8  1
 5: 15  6  1| 13  6  1| 15  7  1| 13  6  1| 15  7  1| 18  8  1| 11  5  1
 6: 16  8  0| 14  6  0| 12  5  1| 15  6  1| 15  6  0| 16  8  1| 13  5  0
 7: 17  8  1| 16  7  1| 15  6  1| 16  8  2| 16  7  1| 17  7  0| 14  5  0
 8: 21  9  2| 21 11  2| 21  9  1| 20 10  2| 19 10  2| 22 10  1| 19  6  0
 9: 24 12  3| 24 12  2| 24 14  2| 23 13  3| 22 11  2| 26 11  1| 25  9  0
10: 26 13  3| 24 12  2| 24 12  2| 24 12  3| 26 13  1| 35 15  2| 32 14  2
11: 28 15  2| 28 14  3| 27 12  2| 25 12  2| 28 13  1| 34 16  3| 34 18  2
12: 30 15  2| 30 16  3| 30 15  2| 32 16  3| 30 15  2| 37 17  3| 34 15  1
13: 33 14  2| 33 18  3| 37 18  3| 35 16  4| 31 15  2| 41 18  3| 41 18  2
14: 37 18  2| 36 20  2| 42 20  3| 38 17  3| 36 18  2| 42 19  2| 44 21  3
15: 48 23  4| 45 21  3| 50 24  4| 40 19  2| 45 21  3| 47 22  3| 47 24  3
16: 49 25  5| 45 22  2| 46 22  3| 46 24  4| 42 18  3| 48 21  3| 49 22  2
17: 47 25  4| 47 24  4| 46 23  3| 47 24  3| 43 19  3| 41 18  3| 46 21  2
18: 47 21  4| 45 21  4| 49 23  4| 50 24  5| 39 17  3| 45 20  2| 46 22  1
19: 48 22  3| 48 24  3| 48 23  4| 48 21  4| 36 16  2| 48 22  2| 46 23  2
20: 53 23  4| 53 25  5| 52 24  3| 53 26  5| 43 17  2| 49 24  5| 47 23  2
21: 52 24  5| 49 25  6| 52 26  2| 53 27  5| 46 22  3| 49 26  5| 50 25  4
22: 44 21  3| 43 21  4| 44 21  2| 48 24  4| 45 22  3| 44 22  3| 45 24  4
23: 35 18  4| 40 18  2| 37 15  2| 38 19  3| 40 20  4| 46 22  3| 40 18  3

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
            
    /\                            RECENT UPDATES
   /  \   
  /    \                        RECENT CODE UPDATES
 /_    _\   Bug Fixes:
   |  |       o Socials on channels now use the channel color
   |  |       o Spacing for socials on channels fixed.
   |  |       o "enters the east" mood problems fixed.
   |__|     
    /\      Balance Changes
   /  \       o A one round lag was added to using magical wands/staves
  /    \    
 /_    _\                       RECENT AREA UPDATES
   |  |     The Prize Machine
   |  |       Fixed wrong colored S at the end of hearts on the boxers.
   |  |     Player Housing
   |__|       With the recent downtime, LadyAce was able to fix many of
    /\        the bad line breaks in existing houses.
   /  \     Celtic Ireland
  /    \      Until we can write an alternative quest so that the
 /_    _\     archdruid will forgive you for cheating him, you will be
   |  |       able to again. Look for this to change in the near future
   |  |       though. Aengus now randomly walks back to his homeroom if
   |  |       he's not there and is not fighting. Mad Meg also had some
   |__|       keywords added based on her long description.
    /\      Beowulf
   /  \       The warg quest now only initially sets your alignment once
  /    \      for the quest. Any additional alignment changes must be
 /_    _\     gotten from remaining in the form of the warg.
   |  |     San Francisco
   |  |       Various typo and bug fixes that included making sure the
   |  |       robbery wouldn't literally hold up the stage coach.
   |__|     1802 Alaska
    /\        Various typos and fixes including Napachee keywords, language
   /  \       quest problems), and the polar bear will now roam again.
  /    \    Malta
 /_    _\     Fixed two shop sections that had bad values. The old Chaplain
   |  |       shouldn't complain about min level to shop there any more.
   |  |     The Alhambra
   |  |       Recluse shouldn't do weird stuff during fights. Checked the
   |__|       forage section and most of the stuff is what it says it is.
    /\        Fixed some typos and spiffed up descriptions of two of the
   /  \       cupolas.
  /    \    Arabian Nights
 /_    _\     Fixed the typos in the hammam with the massage and the
   |  |       pitcher. Kids should no longer collect robes. Added a bunch
   |  |       of responses for various things. Camel will stay and follow.
   |  |       Sabiha should have her correct items now. Mobs here should
   |__|       know more about the area and each other. Searching in the
    /\        safe might turn up something new. Don't get too excited.
   /  \       Someone asked for an RP aid. The kids should not collect
  /    \      robes now. The Yusuf's leech now does suction damage.
 /_    _\   Aztecs
   |  |       Made sure there were more boats around the lake. And fixed a
   |  |       minor problem with Blood Glutton's teach act.
   |  |     F & I War
   |__|       Wood-eater should look more appropriately equipped and may
    /\        be tougher because of it. The huge draft horse should act
   /  \       more like other horses, including fight back.
  /    \    Paris Opera House
 /_    _\     Added the follow and stay acts to the horses here. They will
   |  |       not follow over water unless you take them in a group boat.
   |  |     
   |  |     Legends of the Past, Vicelima Market, Anasazi, Crusades,
   |__|     Bengal, Melbourne, Londport, MedSeas, Sherwood, Tortuga, and
    /\      Boston all had various typos and minor bug fixes made. Also
   /  \     many small syntax error were fixed in many files, but should
  /    \    for the most part be invisible to players.
 /_    _\   
   |  |     As always, we ask that if you find any bugs/typos or have ideas
   |  |     for new items, reactions for mobs, quest hints or any other
   |  |     sort of thing in certain area or areas, please use the
   |__|     bug/idea/typo channels.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
  _______   ____    _______
 /  ___  \ / __ \  /  ___  \  Logs of Q&A sessions are available on the
 | /   \ | \ \/ /  | /   \ |  web pages for those who are unable to attend
 | |   | |  \  /   | \___/ |  or had to leave early. The most recent ones
 | |   | |  /  \/\ |  ___  |  are listed on the sitemap page or you can
 | | /\| | / /\  / | /   \ |  get a complete list on the Q&A index page
 | \_\ \ | \ \/  \ | \   / |  at the url below.
  \___\/_/  \__/\/ \_/   \_|
 
       http://www.legendmud.org/Community/lectures/QandA/QA_index.html
  
                               RECENT TOPICS
 
 o Deathtraps                         o Extra Line in Socials on Channels
 o PK Channel?                        o Policing Channels?
 o Affects and the OOC                o Problem with Melbourne Quest?
 o Spirit Requirements?               o Friends & Housing
 o How's Germany Update?              o Problems with the Warg Quest?
 o Skill Trees?                       o Loss of Perc on Death?
 o Harassment or Evil RP?             o Truffle Hunt Results?
 o Next week's PK Tourney             o March Tinyplot (& TP in general)
 o Plays in the Globe?                o Clans & Improving Them
 o Accept All Problems                o Does Con Worn Affect HP Level Gain
 o More Chat & Immaturity Complaints  o Why not see chat while asleep?
 o Reminders for Expies & LT Content  o Skills & Learn Levels
 o Etheric Archer Spell               o Bug with the Archer and/or Shoot?
 o Naming Player Housing              o How's Assassin Game Going?
 o SkillTrees                         o How's the Balance Looking?
 o LegendMEET Scheduled yet?          o PK bans carry to pk tourneys?
 o March Madness Tinyplot             o Boxers Fixed?
 o Yelled at for ideas?               o Plans for a Japan Area?
 o What about Shakespeare's Plays?    o Finding out Building Projects
 o How can you get Tokens?            o Generic Animal Project?
 o Can we ever become Honorary Imms?  o Innkeepers/Asking for Help/Jerks
 o Responses on Ideas?                o What's up with rude Imms?
 o Mobs dying to poison give no XP?   o Why Weird Chairs here?
 o Any way to postpone tinyplot?      o Stupid Names
 o More on Innkeepers                 o PR Game Questions
 o Imm Presence                       o Allan-a-dale Repop?
 o Learning Sing                      o Dancing while sitting?
 o Kudos on Rudh Quest                o Why level req on PD?
 o Using Lock Picks                   o How hard is it to get into LoP?
 o Obligatory Skilltrees Question     o Can Prize Machine Autosave?

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=


                          Gangwars PK Tourney

The second round of the Gangwars were held on Saturday in the Nazcan
deserts. 

This week's results:
The mafia - 6
The Michigan Militia - 5
The Drunks & Nothing to Lose - 3
The ATF Enforcers - 1

The ongoing tally for the last 2 weeks:
The Michigan Militia: 9
The Mafia & The Ghosthawks: 6
The Drunks: 5
Nothing To Lose: 3
Freja/Bruce/Marula: 2
The ATF Enforcers & Alvis/Zeratoul/Shine: 1

The next conflict is slated for Saturday at 2 pm -- be there!

           ________________________
          /                        \
      o O | Wonder what folks are   |
 `\|||/   | doing over at LegendMUD?|
 (o o)    \________________________/
ooO_(_)_Ooo________________________________________________________________
_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|___
__|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|

  ___                                                                  ___
  \ |------------------------------------------------------------------| /
  /__|  LEGENDITES: Information Regarding the People of Our World     |__\
   '------------------------------------------------------------------'


                              Announcements

            The Outfitters Clan disbanded for low membership.


     []-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]

A Hot Line To Hell
Columnist: Marcel Alexander, Esquire


Calpurnius asked me to include a request, a service which I shall of course
be happy to comply with. The good inn keeper would ask of his patrons,
present and future, that they refrain from bringing denizens of the elemental
planes, air sprites in particular, to his establishment. This ban is the
result of a recent bar-room brawl between Alejandro and his much-feared
nemesis with wings, Central Park tree warden and soft-serve ice cream thief,
Sprite. I have not been able to discern who won (but I'm putting my money on
the sprite, those New Yorkers are mean).

Ahriman, prince of darkness and deceit in Zoroastrian mythology, has taken
possession of a mortal vessel to join the ranks of the Seven Circles. The
infernal types are obviously quite happy to have this powerful entity in
their midst -- though his presence has incited some back-watching among less
powerful members. Less concern has been expressed over the joining up of
run-away-from-boarding-school Gwajeth MacDuncan. Rest assured that once this
child comes of age, she will take blackmail and emotional manipulation to new
exciting lows. Vidar, scourge of Siberia, has also joined the infernal ranks
of late.

The Knights of Legend have added several new people to their roster lately --
Delandel, Hardeck, and so forth. At the same time, Rictor Belmont expressed
his regrets that the squirehood of Pansi to ex-knight Lawrence Windstrom was
somehow lost in knightly bureaucracy -- but no one is complaining, the
talented young lady is now an apprentice of the Seven Circles. Which goes to
prove that if you have your hands on something good, induct it, dont red tape
it.

Dechtire of Ulster has been seen wandering the realms in search of whoever
taught animals, birds, and even dryads to sing her name as if were it a hymn
of praise. Whether she has found her stalker yet remains unknown -- this
columnists bet is on Walt Disney. If animals sing, its usually Walt Disney.

Asguard and Silvaria have finally joined hands in marriage. Okay, so I'm a bit
late bringing this to you. I wasn't invited to the reception. Similarly,
Bruson Carthine and Naomi Eliezer have joined in matrimony. I wasn't invited
to this ceremony either, though it would appear that particularly Camaris,
Judah Eliezer and Gorgan expected me to show up anyway. What's  a man to do?
If you want your wedding crashed, please send me a note a few days in
advance.

And speaking of Bahan Sopeh, this circle has taken on new members over the
last few days: Lawrence Windstrom and Ryan Tarrant now dedicate themselves to
protection and aid of the forces of good. And to tree planting and snoring in
corners respectively.

Residents of Tara may have noticed Gwajeth and Timmy finding all sorts of
excuses to play tag lately -- are we to expect the love birds to, well, get
luvin, or something, when they grow a little older?

Arturo has joined the ranks of the Knights Templar, and at the same time,
that knighthood's GM, Tancred de Gisborne has returned to the realms of the
living, so to speak. And at that, just in time to soundly berate Genocide on
keeping his nose out of the Gisborne affairs, and not question the parentage,
nor his paternal love for young Edwina de Gisborne, Tancred's illegitimate
daughter by Mertjai LaRue. Edwina is expected to join her fathers knighthood
within relatively short time as well.

Genocide Vianoi appears to have taken on his own crusade against just about
anyone and anything of late. This has led him into political scheming with
such notables as Judah & Haley Eliezer, and into open conflict with
Marcel Alexander (thats me!), the Seven Circles, Tancred de Gisborne, and for
that matter, the Grand Coven -- pretty much all of it. Not unexpectedly,
Genocide has issued a good deal more threats than actual action. It remains
to be seen whether he will be able to protect his wife Crystaline and his
daughter Tyana from the resulting mess. Meanwhile, we all watch with interest
as rumors spread like wildfire -- about myself and Haley Eliezer having an
affair, and about Genocide's starting that rumor because he didn't get to have
an affair with her.

Simultaneously, Bruson Carthine appears to have painted the proverbial bulls
eye on his own back, challenging Plagasgraw of the Coven repeatedly but so
far failing to show up to deliver. It would appear that Bruson's issues
revolve around a fight at his wedding to Naomi Eliezer, between Plagasgraw
and Gottfried von Luttke.

And while were at the supposed scandals, Knights of Legend squire Robar Royce
apparently assaulted Nanna Ravenhair lately, killing the lady when she failed
to comply with his forced attentions. No one was left in doubt as to the
nature of these attentions when the squire stated that she could just have
ripped her clothes off herself, instead of leaving it to him. Wonder what
Lady Freja will say to that.


     []-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]

LASER-BEAM-TRANSMISSION:  On February 12th 300bce, SpaceGirl crash-landed her
teeny, one-person space craft in the vast desert outside Agrabah. The ship
is not repairable as little bits and pieces are strewn across the land. In
fact, it has been determined that many small animals such as beetles and
scorpions have made tiny little homes from the scraps. But that's not
important. What is important is that she is now stranded (OH NO) and is very
far from her home planet Guuagxi. We, her people, are providing this
laser-beam-transmission for you in the hopes that her predicament might be
rendered less dire until her return transport can be arranged. And now for
some critical background information...

CRITICAL BACKGROUND INFORMATION:  In our solar system, the planet Guuagxi is
the third planet from our sun, Ovt. Unfortunately Guuagxi is an inferior
planet in this particular solar system. All of the 14 planets in our solar
system are inhabited, and everyone knows each other and have been in contact.
We are aware that in your solar system, things are different... yours is the
ONLY inhabited planet. All other life forms are located a long way away from
your planet, which is why there is some confusion as to where other life does
exist. By the time most beings have made it to your planet they have either
died of starvation or can only stop very briefly due to fueling and gravity
problems.

Anyway as we were saying, SpaceGirl was sent to earth on a mission. The most
important mission any Guuagxiian could ever be sent on. Really, it's true.
As previously stated, the Guuagxii are an inferior race and a neighboring
planet called Gentamicin - who just happens to be inhabited by the most
superior race in the Universe (great luck, huh?)

So they demanded the participation of the Guuagxiians in their once-a-century
challenge, as is the custom of our galaxy. The reason they give challenges is
just to be polite. Everybody knows that the Genamicin invade planets willy
nilly, but they want to make it look like they are nice beings, so they offer
a challenge.  Knowing that it cannot be met though, they wait cruelly for the
inferior planet to not meet the challenge, then stomp into that planet
thieving, raping and pillaging.

So the Gentamicin decreed that if the Guuagxiians could come up with MORE
human specimens than the Genamicin could within 30 Ovt rotations (those being
equivalent to your days) then the Guuagxiians, would be spared invasion.
There is no point trying to argue with these guys you see, they have all the
technology known in the universe and can obliterate whole solar systems
easier than flushing one of your toilets.  That's why they are so bored with
everything and took to invading little planets like Guuagxi.

SUMMARY:
Obviously since SpaceGirl has no transport home, Guuagxi is doomed not to win
the challenge and we'll be screwed for a brief period. Once Gentamicin has
finished pummeling our people however, we will organize a trip to rescue
SpaceGirl -- whenever that may be.

     []-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]-[]

                          The Eistefod Report!

'Richt!' McDougan says, slurring every word. 'Weeelcoom tae the Eishtefod!'

McDougan says drunkenly, 'On shaint Davidsh day, ish traditioonal tae shtart
the Eishtefod sheashon in walesh, ash hesh their patron shaint.'

Sasha says, 'Hesh?'

'Shaint david Ish,' McDougan says, slurring every word. 'The patron shaint o'
walesh, ken?'

Abulafia says, 'Aye, ken.'

McDougan says drunkenly, 'An Eishtefod ish a competition o' poetry,
shinging, and shtory-tellin, aul origional wairksh.'

Sasha nods solemnly.

McDougan says drunkenly, 'It ish ushually conduchted in Welsh. Onyun shpeak
welsh?'

Sasha shakes her head in disagreement. Abulafia shakes his head.

McDougan says, slurring every word, 'If nae, weel joosht dae it in regular.'

Abulafia scuffles his feet around in the dirt.

McDougan grins evilly.

Malas says, 'Is there gonna be a first/second/third ... place?'

'Aye,' McDougan says, slurring every word.

'Gweddych gwidh gwennnnicccchg,' Captain Vandervecken says confidently.

Malas says, 'Whats the last place?'

McDougan whaps Vandervecken across the back of the head! What a dunce!
McDougan says, apparently drunk, 'Shoot oop. We hae enoof prishesh for three.
Though I need tae pick oop the fairsht prishe shtill.'

'Can we enter poems now?' Dermick says, yawning and stretching.

'We'll hae a volunteer bashish,' McDougan says, apparently drunk.  'An
eishtefod ish a shelebration o' the SHPOKEN waird.'

DERMICK'S POEM

I look outside
I only see white
I take out my sled to go for a ride
And after get friends for a snowball fight.

After we are cold and tired
We come into the house for tea
With all the caffine we seem to be wired
And after the spaz attack I have to pee.

Winter is the best time of year
You can snuggle inside by a fire
And maybe drink a cold beer
While your heart may be burning in desire

You invite her in to say hi
And get onto one knee
You say "marry me or i will surely die"
She can only agree

Your day has been made
You feel as though you are on top of the world
Then it all fades
As you wake up from this stange dream world!


Dermick says sleepily, 'That is it.'
Much applause.

'Ish nae bad!' McDougan says, apparently drunk. 'I gie it a shiksh!'

Dermick says, not quite awake, 'Thanks.'

De-ath says, 'I give it a seven!'

'Ye may gae nesht,' McDougan says drunkenly to Abulafia. 'A wee bit shilenshe
for our nesht poet!'

ABULAFIA'S POEM

Abulafia says, 'Lemme preface this by say that it is a bit brief...'

Abulafia says, 'And condensed.'

untitled

Standing,
Leaning, in darkness,
and looking up.

Hours spent this way beneath the birch
with frost-tipped fingers
reaching
lampstand of the sky.

The moon breaks crisply at its edges.
Light almost undiffused by the small cloud
of frozen steam floating skyward.

And behind me, my church
one high window
perhaps lit.


et fini

Abulafia smiles happily, followed by much applause. Abulafia scuffles his
feet around in the dirt.

'I tink thatch deshairvit eight nnd a helf!' McDougan says, apparently
drunk.

Dermick says, eyes averted, to Abulafia, 'I know the felling.'

'Why thank you...' Abulafia says.

Paribus says, 'I absolutely loved the feeling I got from the poem.'

'Hmmmm,' De-ath says.

'I give it an 8!' De-ath says.

McDougan says, slurring every word, 'Main reashon I dinnae gie it higher ish
becoosh I want tae leeve room joosht in cashe.'

De-ath says, 'Very nice.'

'Thank you one and all...' Abulafia says.

Abulafia says, 'It's a first for me...this Mudpublishing.'

Dermick nods his agreement with Abulafia.

Dermick says tentatively, 'Same here.'

'Who wuid like tae gae nesht?' McDougan says, apparently drunk.

'Gae oon, laddie!' McDougan says drunkenly to Everyone.

Abulafia listens intently.

'Shilensh, pleesh!' McDougan says, apparently drunk.

Everyone closes their eyes, reading from the inside of their eyelids.

Our Silly Limerick, by Everyone

There once was a man, a Taran,
The wenches he liked to be scarin'.
He'd sneak up behind,
With a vial would blind,
Then yell BOO! and run off like a madman.

Everyone bows deeply.

Much applause.

'Very nice,' De-ath says.

De-ath says, 'Nice little ditty.'

'A guid limerick, sae... shiksh?' McDougan says, slurring every word.

Sasha says, 'Won that april with its shouroust shootah, the draught in march
hath pierced to the roothah.'

Everyone thanks uh, everybody

'I give it a seven,' De-ath says.

McDougan says, apparently drunk, 'Nae chausher!'

'Origioonal,' McDougan says, slurring every word.

De-ath says, 'Can I go?'
DE-ATH'S POEM

De-ath says, 'Here it is.'
All white I am, pinstripes I wear,
Trapped in a cage, prickles my hair,
I sit here all day
Wasting my time,
Fed once a day:
I go by chimes.
I wait for awhile,
Then he comes for me, he wants to defile.
I raise out my body, then take a look:
Im flying with Death, heaven's best crook.
My body is limp, my eyes have glazed over:
Then I hear death call Red Rover Red rover.

'Thats it,' De-ath says.

Much applause.

'You can also look at me for a bonus poem,' De-ath says.

THE BONUS DE-ATH POEM

Here he is
take a good look
you're looking at Death
heaven's best crook.

He holds a large sickle
wears a black cloak
appears in a room
in a large puff of smoke

Some people can't see him
they must be blind
I think they would scream
seeing a face of his kind

He stands up straight
and catches a breeze
takes to the air
like a monkey to trees

And when he sees
a victim thats good
he reaches above
and pulls off his hood

You will see his face
you will see his smile
now it is his turn to defile
our earth

He takes another life
but this is the way
of his struggle and strife.


Paribus says, 'Excellent poem.'

McDougan says drunkenly, 'Hrrd tae judge it...'

'Might I?' Genocide says, almost a whisper.

McDougan says drunkenly, 'I tink eight.'

De-ath nods solemnly.

De-ath says, 'Thanks.'

Genocide says, almost a whisper, 'Well some people say I am a hopeless
romantic, so here it goes.'

When by false lovers I was led a stray,
I saw your bright brown eyes shining across the way.
No truer love I thought to myself I could find,
The thought of you loving me just blew my mind.
You left once to find someone new:
I couldn't stand it I didn't know what to do.
You had my heart my love and soul:
My love for you was purer that the purest gold.
He caused you hurt and lots of pain;
I couldn't stand by and watch - it was driving me insane.
I went to take you from your hurt and woes;
Wherever you went my love for you goes.
Til the day you are mine once more:
I will wait for you walking this earth shore to shore.
My love for you is strong how with out I don't know I will get along -
Find it in you heart to come back to me,
And be my queen for eternity.

Genocide bows deeply.

Much applause.

'Och!' McDougan says drunkenly.

'I assume this lucky lady is Crystaline?' Paribus says to Genocide, 'Or am I
wrong to assume that?'

Genocide nods his agreement with Paribus.

Paribus nods solemnly.

'You are not.' Genocide says, barely audible. 'But I got her back.' 
Genocide smiles happily.

'She is lucky to you have you by her side,' Paribus says to Genocide.

Dermick cheers for Genocide - huzzah!

'I gie it a nine!' McDougan says, apparently drunk.

Dermick cheers for McDougan - huzzah!

Genocide blushes bright red. Genocide sits down on the ground.

McDougan hiccups.

McDougan smile happily.

'A bit low dont you think?' Dermick says tentatively to McDougan. 'Hehe.'

McDougan pats Dermick on his head.

Paribus chuckles politely.

McDougan says drunkenly, 'Who nesht? Thatch evrrryun?'

'Richt!' McDougan says drunkenly.

McDougan says, slurring every word, 'Beffer the final tally...'

'A quick poem o' my oon!' McDougan says, slurring every word.

McDOUGAN'S POEM

'I caul thish, Owain Glyndwr,' McDougan says drunkenly.

McDougan says, apparently drunk, 'Nnd thash proonoonshed ash in door.'

Owain Glyndwr fought the nnnglish shcum
Who intae walesh did coom.
Boot shadly, they won, nnd the poor welsh lad
Shoon foond evrrythin tairned oot bad.
Ash Arberth became narberth,  nnd Clunderwen, Clynderwen,
Nnd Abertave tairned Shwanshea:
The english took o'er the welsh land -
And left noothin tae be tekin by me!

McDougan grins evilly. Abulafia whistles appreciatively. McDougan hiccups.

Much applause.

'Good one!' Dermick says, eyes averted.

Abulafia stands up and CHEERS!

Dermick says, eyes averted, '9!'

Paribus says, 'Excellent poem!'

Dermick says, eyes averted, 'Good story and poem.'

'10!' Genocide says, almost a whisper.

'Nnd noo the prishesh!' McDougan says, slurring every word.

'Hell, I give at least nine for the dialect alone,' Abulafia says.

'Gensoshide winsh, wi' nine, nnd will get a coopon shoon ash I get it!'
McDougan says drunkenly.

Abulafia congratulates Genocide on a job well done.

McDougan says, slurring every word, 'Abul-whashit getsh shechund, a
collechtioon o' shtringsh!'

Genocide beams at McDougan delightedly.

Abulafia smiles happily.

McDougan says drunkenly, 'Nnd in thaird..... de-ath, who gesh a cookie.'

'Boot it wash verra harrrd tae jooodge!' McDougan says, apparently drunk.

'Aul o' ye did verra weel!' McDougan says, slurring every word.

'Very good poems all,' Genocide says quietly.


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