Oake's Corpses Corner, or I See (other) Dead People
by Oake Cerris
I had two encounters recent which I think illustrate an important point about
death; which is that while there are many things you have control over in
life, death typically isn't one of them.
Eleazar Maccabeus is a rather friendly sort, at least as far as the departed
go. Which is really saying something: Eleazar has quite a bit to be upset
about. If you're unfamiliar with the passing of Eleazar Maccabeus, allow me
to fill you in. Eleazar died in 162 BC. The story of his death is buried
somewhere within the Old Testament, should you want verification of the
particulars. Eleazar was busy fighting in the Battle of Beth-zechariah, when
he happened to see the enemy's leader, King Antiochus V, atop an elephant
nearby. Seeing his chance to become a hero, Eleazar dashed under said
elephant and stabbed the poor critter, hoping it would fall and kill
Antiochus.
The elephant DID fall.. right on top of Eleazar. Eleazar wasn't aware of much
at the time aside from "Oh geeze, elephants are heavy!", but had he had his
wits about him he would have seen that the man on top of the elephant on top
of Eleazar wasn't even the enemy king. It was a nobody. THIS is how Eleazar
Maccabeus is remembered by most, when he's remembered at all.
Recently, I ran across Apothas. Also a rather friendly person, and had a
chance to ask him a few questions about his passing.
O: what killed you?
A: Five various terra cotta animals in a particularly suicidal adventure, old
chap.
O: What was your last thought before dying?
A: I'm sure glad I have life insurance.
O: Did you see the well-publicized 'bright white light' when you died?
A: I didn't see anything, they'd clawed my eyes out.
O: Who would you like to haunt?
A: My lurk victims of course! Being a ghost would mean i can lurk 'em anytime
and anywhere, would be a jolly good show!
O: How would you likely to be known, now that you're gone?
A: As someone who died so young, and so charming and handsome too!
For those of you that didn't know Apothas, which I imagine is very few of you
as Apothas seemed to be a rather popular 'chap', the list of his
accomplishments and abilities was surely very impressive indeed. That, I'm
afraid, might be for nothing.
The masses, the population at large, are rather selective in their memories.
And they seem to thoroughly enjoy an unfortunate death. Maccabeaus' death has
been a popular theme in art, particularly art from Europe, for centuries
after he died. Did they paint Eleazar valiantly rushing towards a much larger
opposing army? They did not. Did they show Eleazar striking down many of his
enemies? They did not. Did they show Eleazar getting squished by the wrong
pachyderm? Bingo. I'm afraid that if Apothas stays dead (which I acknowledge
is unlikely these days), the poor guy will be remembered for being the 'chap'
that was butchered by ceramic nic-nacs.
Most don't get to pick their deaths, people. You can hope to be a legend, but
be prepared to be a joke.
